


Eternity's Struggle

by enars_usurper



Series: Eternity [2]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Drama & Romance, F/M, Interspecies Romance, Romance, Science Fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-12 02:00:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 29,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11727165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enars_usurper/pseuds/enars_usurper
Summary: (Completed) Eternity’s Struggle, the Sequel toA Glimpse of Eternity, is a compilation of short stories, letters and life-snapshots that are sprinkled throughout the events of Mass Effect 2 following both Commander Kiara Shepard and Kaidan Alenko as well as, in later chapters, some interactions between Shepard and Thane Krios. There are gameplay spoilers. M/F, Shepard x Kaidan, Shepard x Thane. Rated M for later chapter content.





	1. Reaching Out

Shepard's head swam with everything that had happened since she'd woken up in the Cerberus lab. It was hard to wrap her head around it all. The last thing she remembered before waking was drifting into space, her lungs burning as she suffocated. She remembered thinking about Kaidan as the void took her.

Kaidan.

Did he know she was alive? Had Cerberus let anyone know? By the information she'd managed to get between Jacob, Miranda and the Illusive Man, she doubted it. She doubted anyone knew she was alive.

The new Normandy was on its way to the Omega station and though she wanted to take her time to walk to ship and meet the new Cerberus crew of hers, there was something far more important she needed to do. Making her way up to her new cabin, she stopped and was taken aback at the sheer size of it. It was three times the size of her quarters on the old Normandy. She shouldn't have been surprised. From everything she'd seen, there were a lot of features this new ship had that the old hadn't. Cerberus clearly spared no expense when rebuilding the Normandy…or her.

  
Cerberus.

Her stomach twisted and grew sick at the thought of working with them. They were terrorists and monsters. All she wanted to do was dump this Cerberus crew and take off with the Normandy back to the Alliance. But she knew she couldn't. Even if the Alliance didn't think she was dead, by all the reports she'd seen, they were doing nothing to help the missing colonies. No one was except for Cerberus. The Collectors were ravaging tens of thousands humans and she had no doubt in her mind it was somehow connected to the Reapers.

The same Reapers the Alliance and the Council refused to acknowledge.

No, if there was any hope for stopping the Collectors and the Reapers from taking any more colonies, she had to stay where she was. At least she went into the arrangement with eyes open. They were a resource for her, nothing more, and she would use them without guilt. The enemy of your enemy is your friend and her greatest enemy was the Reapers. Cerberus had made it their purpose to become the enemy of the Reapers as well, so by default, she was forced to become their friend.

Walking over to her desk, she sat down at her terminal, her reason for retreating to her cabin still as important. She opened a new message and stared at the screen as she tried to find the words to say. Finally her fingers began moving as the words poured from her:

 

> _Subject: Alive_  
>  _From: Kiara Shepard_
> 
> _To: Kaidan Alenko, Alliance Military_
> 
> _Kaidan,_
> 
> _I can't begin to fathom what its been like for you for the past two years. I don't have much time, and I'm not even sure if you'll get this, but I wanted you to know I'm alive. I don't entirely know how yet, but I'm alive. I guess I was dead, or in some kind of coma, for the last two years. All I know is I woke up recently and everything is…not how I remember leaving it._
> 
> _I miss you Kaidan._
> 
> _I have to go. Please respond back if you get this. I don't know what's happened for you over the last two years but I had to make sure you knew I was alive. I'm here, Kaidan, and the second I get the chance, I'm coming for you._
> 
> _I still love you._
> 
> _Signed,_  
>  _Kiara Shepard_

She looked at the words on the screen and they felt weak and pale compared to everything she wanted to say but she couldn't say more. Much of it was not something to be said in a message and the rest, she didn't want Cerberus spying on it. With a deep breath, she hit send and then sat back.

Something caught her attention next to the terminal and she looked over. It was a picture frame but it was empty of image. Reaching over, she picked it up and began to swipe through the commands to set one up. It didn't take long to find Kaidan's service picture as she uploaded it into the digital frame.

Shepard smiled when his face filled the screen, his amber eyes vibrant as ever. Her heart ached at the sight of him, everything inside her longing to see him again. His picture would help remind her who she was and what she was fighting for. She hoped it would bring some measure of strength to her that the man within the picture had always brought her, at least until she found him again.

"Soon, Kaidan…" she said softly, her fingers moving over the surface, "I'll find you soon."


	2. Memories Awakened

_Darkness, deep and endless, surrounded him._

_He could feel a floor beneath his feet but around him, the blackness kept him locked in its grasp._

_Where was he? What was he doing in this place?_

_A sound cut through the darkness, its tones trailing in as if from far away. His ears strained to hear it. Something in the sound stirring his emotions inside him. What was that sound? Why did it seem so familiar?_

_Slowly the sound grew closer. It was laughter, sweet and musical. It warmed him and pulled at him as it grew louder, seeming to get closer and closer to him. He reached out into the darkness for the bearer of that laugh. It was beyond familiar. It was sound his heart knew too well._

_It was her laugh._

_As if rendered by his thoughts of her, she walked out of the shadows as if she'd been a part of them. Eyes the color of emeralds, brilliant and luminous, were framed in strong yet delicate features and dark full eyelashes. Raven black hair cascaded down soft tanned skin that encased a well-toned form with feminine curves. Well-fitted Alliance fatigues clung to her waist while a white t-shirt hugged her curves, drawn tight over her a full bosom. He knew every inch of the body intimately. It was a woman's body but also a warrior's._

_His warrior's._

_His heart soared at the sight of her and the warm, tender smile that played on her full lips naturally shaded in a pink so dark it nearly shone red. He knew those lips - their taste and feel to the way they could form the sweetest pillow talk or inspire courage in the face of defeat. A tightness descended in his chest at the bittersweet sight of her, knowing now that this was a dream. It could only ever be a dream._

_She was dead._

_As if sensing his thoughts, she walked closer to him, her bare feet making no sound on the surface they stood on. Her eyes searched his with a softness to them, holding nothing but love in their depths. He let out a breath of desperate relief as she set her hand against his cheek. He expected it cool to the touch but it was warm, the sensation seeping into him and balming his soul. He leaned into the hand on his cheek, bringing his own to rest over it._

_She stepped forward closer, this mirage of memories. He wanted to believe she was real. Her touch felt real. Her warmth seeped into him as if she were really standing there. Even the scent of lilacs wafted around them, ensnaring his senses and pulling him into everything that was the woman before him. How could he feel her so acutely if she were not?_

_He reached forward, his hand connecting with her waist as he rested his hand there. She felt as real and as solid as she ever had before. "I've missed you," he said, his words soft but heavy with the ache of her loss. When she'd stepped from the shadows, his heart had hurt anew but the longer he stood there with her before him, lost in the sensations and memories she brought him, the pain seemed to lessen._

_She said nothing but her smile brightened at his words, the loving softness within her eyes unwavering as she looked at him. Her thumb grazed his cheek as she slowly began to lean towards him, her lips parting slightly as she reached out for his kiss. Unable to stop himself, he leaned forward to meet her, her breath playing over his lips as they drew closer._

_Suddenly, she stilled as her eyes went wide in terror. A breath later, she was jerked violently from his embrace and dragged back into the darkness. He reached for her, running after her as he cried out her name._

_Only it wasn't his voice that left his lips. It was Joker's voice, broken and desperate, screaming over the comm as the worst moment of his life replayed before his eyes._

_"Shepard!"_  

* * *

 

Kaidan jerked awake, breathing hard, a sheen of sweat clinging to his bare chest. His brain struggled to grasp his surroundings, trying to make sense of what way was up and which was down. Joker's scream echoed in his head as his vision cleared from being in such a deep sleep, taking in the surroundings of his quarters.

It'd just been a dream.

He sighed as he bowed his head, bringing a hand up to run over his face. It'd been almost a year since he'd dreamt of her so vividly. Heartache renewed its hold over him at the loss of her. When she had died, so had most of him. For two years he struggled to continue moving forward. He no longer felt like the shell he used to feel but he was still different from the man he once was. He was harder now, more serious and determined to a level that earned him a number of nicknames amongst those he served with.

It was only since he'd began working with his students that Councilor Anderson had put him in charge of had the hollowness he'd felt after her death began to fade. A trace of the numbness was still there, deep in his heart, and he suspected it always would be. It was the part of his heart, of his soul, that held his love for Kiara Shepard and it was the part that had died along with her.

Reaching up, he rubbed his neck and let out a deep sigh. Why, all of a sudden, did she have to reappear? He was trying to move on and push past her death. He had thought he finally had but then the dream had came.

He scoffed. _Dream? More like a nightmare._

Kaidan tossed off the sheets and stood up. He knew more sleep was lost to him and after that nightmare, he was fine not going back to bed. He padded over to his desk and sat down in front of his console, his sweatpants bagging around his legs yet clinging low on his hips. He opened his messages and saw one from Anderson.

 

 

> _Subject: **ENCRYPTED TRANSMISSION**_  
>  _From: Admiral David Anderson_
> 
> _To: Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko_
> 
> _Commander Alenko,_
> 
> _There's been another attack on one of our colonies out in the Terminus system. We received troubling intel that gives us reason to suspect the terrorist organization, Cerberus, is somehow involved._
> 
> _Something's not right about all of this. Between the intel and the rumors that Commander Shepard was spotted on the Omega station in the Sahrabarik system of the Omega Nebula cluster, I want to get to the bottom of this. I don't think Shepard is still alive. We both know she died when the Normandy was destroyed but her body was never recovered. We suspect Cerberus may have had something to do with that and it may well be a part of these reports we've been hearing. They're involved in this somehow and if they're behind the attacks on the colonies, we need to know._
> 
> _The intel suggests that Horizon might be the next colony to be attacked. I've spoken with Alliance Command and we'd like you to go there and investigate the matter covertly. Officially, we'll be sending you to help get the GARDIAN laser turrets online and functioning. Colonists in the Terminus system don't care for the Alliance so you'll have your work cut out for you._
> 
> _Get to the bottom of what's going on and do whatever you can to protect Horizon. If Cerberus is involved, we need to know._
> 
> _Good luck, Commander._
> 
> _Signed,_   
>  _Admiral David Anderson_

Kaidan stared at the message, an anger rising up in him quickly. After everything he'd seen Cerberus do, he shouldn't have been surprised at the lengths they would go to further their agendas. What the hell were they trying to do that they needed to bring up and use the memory of Shepard to achieve?

For a brief moment, his mind flickered to the possibility that Shepard might actually be alive but he shook that thought from his head quickly. No, she'd died. If she'd been alive, she'd have come back. Even if she could've walked away from him, he knew she couldn't have walked away from the Alliance. The Alliance was her life.

No, Commander Shepard died two years ago.

And now Cerberus had the gall to dredge up her memory and pervert it to their uses. It enraged him as he felt his skin prickling with his biotic energy. When he realized it was glowing and swirling around his hands, he forced himself to take a deep breath. He tried to calm the anger down. He wouldn't lose control. He couldn't.

The tingling subsided with the glowing but his anger remained. He knew it wasn't going anywhere, settling instead deep in his gut where it would lay in wait and smolder, readying itself for the chance to unleash on Cerberus. Her death was still too raw, too painful, especially after the nightmare he'd just had, and he vowed he would get to the bottom of whatever was going on. She deserved to rest in peace.

Kaidan let out a heavy sigh as rubbed his temple, the telltale ache preceding his migraines building in the background. _Great_ , he thought, _just what I need right now._

Standing up, he grabbed the cocktail of medicine the doc at HQ prescribed for him, hoping it would head off the migraine before it set in. They'd gotten significantly less over the last two years but when they did come, they were worse than ever.

Once the meds were taken, he wandered back over to his bed and sat on the edge as the pain in his head continued to escalate. The last thing he remembered before the haze of pain completely encompassed him was his head hitting the pillow.


	3. Homesickness

Shepard sat down at her terminal in her cabin as her head fell back, her conversation with Admiral Anderson playing over in her mind. Any hope she had of getting out from under Cerberus was gone. The Council and Alliance both refused to help her stop the Collectors, just as they refused to acknowledge the Reapers were behind it all. It was frustrating and infuriating.

The last people she wanted to accept help from was Cerberus, but there was no getting around the fact that they seemed like the only people interested in stopping the abductions and attacks. They had the resources, too. Resources she'd need if she was going to take down the Collectors.

Her thoughts drifted to the news she'd received about Kaidan. He was off on a top secret mission and her ties with Cerberus made it so that was all the news she was going get, even from her old friend, Anderson. She sighed as she looked at the picture on her desk. "We'll find each other soon, Kaidan…I can't do this without you…" she said softly to the photograph.

Sitting up, she accessed her terminal and set to composing a new message. She hadn't heard from Kaidan since her last email but she was determined to keep trying. Given the kind of mission he was on, she wouldn't be surprised if it took a while to hear from him.

Her fingers set to the display as she began typing her letter:

 

> _Subject: Congratulations  
>  From: Kiara Shepard_
> 
> _To: CDR Kaidan Alenko_
> 
>  
> 
> _Kaidan,_
> 
> _I heard from Admiral Anderson you took the promotion you were offered before…well, before what happened, happened. I'm glad. There's no one more deserving of it than you. I spoke to the Council today. They still seem the same Council as always, complete with their bureaucracy and politics. You know me Kaidan. I've never been very good at that game. Never have been, never will be._
> 
> _Anderson says your on a top secret mission. I hope its going well. I figure that’s why you haven't been able to respond, if these emails are getting through at all._
> 
> _I'm getting worried, Kaidan. The Council reinstated me as a Spectre but without their support of my investigation into the Collector attacks on the colonies, and the Alliance short on resources and support equally, I'm afraid using Cerberus' resources might be the only option left to stop the Collectors, the attacks and the Reapers._
> 
> _I don't trust them and I never will. I still remember Rear Admiral Kahoku and what they did to him plus those 'research projects' they had going on. Still, they have a vast resource fund. They rebuilt me and the Normandy and they're offering me my choice of team, including whatever resources I need to get the job done._
> 
> _I know though, whatever I do, I wont work for them. They can fund my mission, but I'll never be a part of Cerberus. The sooner I can get away and break the ties, the better. To do that, I need to find out what's happening to our colonies. I need to stop the Collectors._
> 
> _I miss you Kaidan. I miss talking with you. You always seemed to know what to do to let me figure out the right way to go, even if sometimes that meant saying nothing at all._
> 
> _Be safe,_  
>  _Kiara_
> 
>  

Shepard tapped the send button and then got up from her desk as she headed down to the mess hall. It was late but she was too awake for sleep. A hot cup of peppermint tea seemed like just the sort of thing to help calm her. She smiled as the elevator took her down. She remembered the night she'd sat with Kaidan in the mess, her with her tea and him with his coffee. That night had been an important moment for them early on in their relationship. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

She scoffed as the elevator doors opened. Who was she kidding, it _was_ a lifetime ago for her. Literally.

Rounding the corner to the mess, she saw a handful of crew up and about as they loitered around the tables. She missed the smaller ship with its smaller crew compliment. She looked at the people gathered, wondering if maybe it was less the environment and more just the fact she missed her old crew. She missed the Alliance. She missed the life she used to have.

With a glance to the med bay, she saw Dr. Chakwas still up and working on her terminal. At least she still had her and Joker around, a little piece of home in this alien environment. Deciding to forgo her tea as she made her way into the infirmary. "Hey, doc," Shepard greeted as she walked in.

Dr. Chakwas turned in her chair and gave a smile, "Commander, how can I help you this evening?" she asked.

"I was wondering if it was too late to get into that brandy," Shepard said, nodding to the drawer where she knew Karin held it.

Chakwas grinned, "I think that's a splendid idea, Commander."

"You crack open the bottle, I'll get the glasses," Shepard said, reflecting her smile as she headed to the mess. A few minutes later she returned with two glasses just as the Doctor had finished opening the bottle.

Pouring two glasses, she offered one to Shepard who took it graciously and sat across from her at her desk. "You know, I watched the Normandy crumble with you on board. Its good to see you alive," Chakwas said with a motherly warmth in her tone, "The kind of trauma you endured would have changed most people, but not you I see."

"I don’t know how its even possible but here I am. Still me, aside from a few physical upgrades," Shepard said with a smirk that didn't quite reach her eyes as she relaxed back into the chair. Upgrades. She still struggled with the fact she had so many cybernetic implants.

"I reviewed the files that Cerberus gave me access to in regards to your reconstruction. It’s a medical marvel what they managed to pull off with you," Chakwas said, sitting once more herself and leaning back in her chair. "To be honest, it’s a bit daunting to fathom. The fact that there is now technology out there, mind you still in its infancy, that can do what they did with you is rather terrifying."

"You can say that again," the Commander agreed.

Silence lingered between them as both their minds mulled over the Lazarus project and what it had accomplished. Shepard hadn't given herself much time to really think about it and as she sat there, she knew why. It was a huge thing to wrap her head around.

Dr. Chakwas raised her glass of brandy, "To new beginnings," she toasted, breaking the silence that had fell. Shepard smiled and raised her glass, echoing the toast before bringing the drink to her lips and savoring the taste as she drank half the glass along with Chakwas. It burned but was sweet as well, warming its way down her throat to settle in her belly. She could see why it was the Doctor's favorite.

"I saw they upgraded your implant during your reconstruction. An L5n, if I'm not mistaken. Its top of the line and rather cutting edge. How are you handling the change?" Chakwas inquired after taking a drink of her own brandy.

"Its an adjustment, for sure, but a good one. What I can do now with the precision I have is incredible. It comes so much easier to me when I use my powers and I'm finding the more I use them, the stronger they become. I can see why Kaidan was always eager to keep his biotics as in shape as his body. With my old L3, there was a bit of a plateau. I think I let myself become complacent in what I was able to do," Shepard admitted, swirling the blue ice brandy in her glass as she watched the liquid swirl. Her heart ached at the thought of Kaidan.

Chakwas must've seen something in her gaze, because that maternal smile returned to her lips, "Feeling a bit homesick?" she asked Shepard.

Shepard smirked and nodded, "Yeah. Its…" she looked out the window into the mess of the new Normandy. "Its all so familiar, yet so different. Not just the ship but the people. Everything is so foreign yet with once glance, a barrage of memories come flooding in from the old days on the SR-1." She sighed and looked back down to her brandy, "I miss it. I miss our people." She looked up to the doctor, "I'm glad you and Joker are here with me. You bring a piece of home to all this unknown."

"We're happy to be here with you, Commander," Dr. Chakwas said as she looked out at the mess hall. A moment later, she laughed all of a sudden, "I know what you mean about the memories. Its funny the ones that pop up unexpectedly. I remember one night, right out in the mess, Corporal Jenkins and Lieutenant Alenko were taking a bit of R&R. Jenkins was so excited by Alenko's biotics he kept asking him to do things to show it off.

"Alenko, kind as he was, couldn't say no to Jenkins. Not with the level of enthusiasm the boy was showing. He was so excited every time the Lieutenant raised a glass or tossed something across the room. I remember Jenkins all of sudden jumping up and begging the Lieutenant to try some on him. After a great deal of persuading, Alenko finally gave into the Corporal," Chakwas recalled fondly as she cradled her glass of ice brandy.

Shepard leaned back, listening to the story happily. She hadn't heard this one but guessed it must've been before Eden Prime right after they left the station. She liked reminiscing with the Doctor. It made the homesick ache in her heart feel just a little bit less.

"I thought Alenko's biotic display might have broken Jenkins back," Chakwas said with a laugh, standing up and throwing her hands in the air to simulate Jenkins as she said "but Jenkins popped up and yelled, 'That was awesome!'" She continued to laugh as she sat back down, the sound fading into a sigh, "Ah, Jenkins. Soldiers like him make the Alliance great." Her smile faded, "Cerberus lacks the same…enthusiasm."

Shepard just smiled at the doctor, the brandy kicking in and making her more relaxed than she'd been in a while. Shepard's head swam a bit even at the amount she'd had. Serrice Ice Brandy was known for its potency. "With your service record, you could have gotten a tour of duty on any Alliance ship. Why did you really leave?" she asked her, bringing the glass up to take another drink of the blue liquid.

Chakwas' gaze drifted away, a bit hazier from the alcohol herself, "Maybe it's less about leaving and more about staying. As a military doctor, I mostly treat people who are in bad shape. Often, they die. And if I can help them, they move on. Either way…" she looked back to Shepard, a sad gleam in her eye, "they leave."

"Don't you have any friends or family?" Shepard asked, regarding the older woman across from her. She realized for all the time she'd spent with Chakwas on her crew, she'd never sat down to get to know the woman.

"No, not lacking friendship…just stability," the Doctor replied, "Jeff…Joker will always have Vrolik syndrome. He would never admit it, but he needs my help. And he always will. I wish it weren't, but sadly, it's true." Slowly she raised the glass, finishing off the second half of it. She picked up the bottle and refilled the Commander's first then her own.

Shepard smile understandingly, "Treating Joker gives you a kind of stability." Bringing the glass back, she cradled it in her hand against her torso.

"So does this ship," Chakwas said, "even if it's a copy. Or, hell, maybe it's you." She looked to Shepard then, "Shepard. Our immovable center. A place for a person to stop and catch her breath." For a long moment she just sat there looking at the Commander.

Shepard didn't know what to say to that. She'd felt the opposite of stability since the Normandy had been destroyed and she woke up in the Cerberus lab. She felt like she was chaos incarnate but the Doctor's words moved her.

A silly grin slipped onto the Doctor's lips, "Or maybe I'm just happily drunk. Would it hurt if it was simple like that for once?" Her grin faded as she thought deeply on that too.

Shepard smiled and raised her glass, "Here's to simply being happily drunk."

Chakwas raised her glass, leaning forward and clinking it against the Commanders, "I'll drink to that!" With a hearty drink, they both drank their brandy as they settled in.

They stayed up until late in the night finishing the bottle of brandy and by the end of it, neither were in any condition to try to make it to their cabins. With Chakwas taking one of the beds in the infirmary, Shepard took one opposite her as she collapsed onto the surface.

As she laid down, she realized she felt better. The ache in her chest was less with the good memories swirling around her head. Even as the dreamless abyss claimed her, she fell asleep with a soft smile on her lips.

 


	4. Letter from Mum

Shepard sat down once more at her terminal in her cabin and opened up her messages. She was glad she had found Garrus, which had been an unexpected surprise, but she wasn't sure about the rest of the crew she'd acquired.

Miranda she didn't trust. Period. Jacob seemed to have a good moral base but the fact he was working for Cerberus put everything he did on the table for suspicion. Mordin was as eccentric as eccentric could be, and his work on re-releasing the genophage on the krograns made Shepard question his ethics, but he was experienced, talented and they needed him.

Jack, though she didn't know why, she liked. Maybe it was because she hated and distrusted Cerberus as much as Shepard did. Whatever the reason, despite the danger the biotic represented, Shepard considered her an ally - at least, an ally to keep a close eye on. She was unstable, that was clear, but with what they were having to do, the value of her strength outweighed the instability.

She looked at one of the messages titled 'You're Alive???' and her heart shipped a beat. Was it Kaidan? Had he gotten her messages? Was he finally replying? Opening it up, she let out the breath she was holding as her heart dropped but she couldn't help the warm smile that slipped onto her lips. It wasn't a message from Kaidan, which made her heart ache, but it was from her mother and that helped balm the pain.

> _Subject: You're Alive???_   
>  _From: Mom_
> 
> _To: Kiara Shepard_
> 
> _So I have to find out my child is alive third-hand from the Alliance brass? Where the hell have you been?_
> 
> _I figure whatever you're doing is classified, likely part of your Spectre operations. Just stay safe out there, and keep doing your mom proud. And sneak something through a secure channel next time._
> 
> _Love,_   
>  _Your mother, Captain Hannah_

Shit. Shepard ran a hand over her face. Everything had been so busy, moving so fast, she hadn't even given a second thought to really absorb the fact that she'd been declared dead and what that meant for her family. Her heart ached when she thought of what her parents must've got through. She cursed herself for having thought about letting Kaidan know but not her own parents.

She wasted no time in typing a response.

> _Subject: Hello, Mother_   
>  _From: Your, Very Much Alive, Daughter_
> 
> _To: Cpt Hannah Shepard, SSV Orizaba_
> 
> _Its good to hear from you, mom. I'm sorry I didn't send word sooner. Things have been crazy and nothing seems to be slowing down. I should have messaged._
> 
> _I can't imagine what you and dad must've gone through, thinking I was dead. I can't go into the details now but know that I haven't been hiding or undercover somewhere out here. I was really dead, or so they tell me, but Cerberus brought me back to life._
> 
> _You don't have to say it, I know. Cerberus. Just know, I'm not working for them. They patched me up and they gave me a new Normandy. They're giving me whatever resources I need to track down what's happening to our colonies out in the Terminus System. I'm still a Council Spectre and, at least in my heart, I'm still an Alliance soldier. That hasn't changed and it never will._
> 
> _I heard you passed up an Admiral promotion to stay in command of the Orizaba. I didn't even know you had your own command. Congratulations! You were always a strong leader and the Alliance is lucky to have you, mum. How's dad? He still pushing hard or thinking about actually retiring soon?_
> 
> _I have to go now but I miss and love you. Both of you. I don't know what's going to happen with my mission, or the future, but I want you to trust me that I will make you proud. I'm not with Cerberus and when this mission is done, I will be done with them too._
> 
> _Take care of yourself. I'll write again when I get the chance._
> 
> _Love,_   
>  _Your daughter, Kiara_
> 
> _P.S. Cerberus is monitoring all of my communications, as I'm sure you guessed, so I hope this gets through to you. Be careful when replying._

With a tap on the console, the message was sent and Shepard sat back. She glanced over to the picture frame on her desk that held Kaidan's photo with a soft smile. She hoped someday her parents would get the chance to meet him. She knew they’d love him.

Joker piped in over the comm, "We're approaching the coordinates, Commander."

"I'll be right there," she said and set the frame down. Time to track down a Krogan warlord.


	5. Lost then Found

Kaidan! Finally she'd found him. On a colony named Horizon, on a highly-classified mission for the Alliance. It was no wonder she hadn't heard anything from the messages she sent. The Alliance sending someone to the Terminus system definitely classified as top secret. She wondered what his mission was but she knew it was important. The official line was improving diplomatic relations but she knew if Kaidan was there, it was something more. You didn't send a soldier like him to just smooth out ruffed feathers between the Terminus colonies and the Alliance.

She knew a lot had changed, a fact that created a thread of worry in her chest as to what their future held, but who he was and his abilities were unchangeable. If Kaidan was there, the Alliance was up to someting. It gave her hope that maybe Alliance Command was taking the abduction of the colonies seriously, along with the Reaper and Collector threat.

Shepard thought about seeing him. What would he think, seeing her again? She'd never stopped missing him - never stopped loving him. Had he changed? How couldn't he have changed? For her, it felt like she saw him only a few weeks ago but the reality was, it'd been two years. Two years of nothing for her but two years of life moving on. Had he grieved her death? Had he moved on from it?

She wouldn't - couldn't - blame him if he did. She knew in her heart, regardless, that she'd never stop loving him. Since the moment she woke up on the table in the Cerberus facility, he'd been on her mind. Always there. Always a thought swimming around her head.

Her heart ached for him but she knew, somehow, things were going to be different. There was no way they couldn't be.

It wasn't just the fact that now she worked with Cerberus and he was still with the Alliance. No, that was an obvious difference. It was the fact she had died. She had died and stayed dead for two years. Her heart broke at wondering what he went through and what he felt. He'd wanted to stay with her on the Normandy. Did he think if he had stayed, maybe he could have saved her? Did he blame himself for not making her?

She sat in her chair in her quarters, leaning back from reading the reports on Horizon. She looked to his picture on her desk, though a sadness touched her heart, she found herself smirking. Like he could make her do anything...and he'd known it.

If he had stayed, there was a good chance both of them would have died and she doubted Kaidan was a high enough priority to Cerberus to have warranted bringing him back like they did her. She was glad he'd listened to her. He was still alive.

Setting down a data pad, she picked up the frame and she brought it close. Her fingers touched the surface, stroking over the cold, inanimate object that portrayed the visage of the man who'd stolen her heart. She touched his cheek, remembering the strong lines and the way the creases around his mouth and eyes would crinkle when he smiled. She looked to his lips, ran her fingers over the cool glass. His lips weren't cold like the glass felt, they were warm and soft. They could calm the storms of her past with a smirk or set her blood on fire with the barest of kisses.

Her heart skipped a beat as she remembered his kisses but it was his eyes that drew her attention. Such deep depths of the richest amber. From the moment she'd met him, she'd known he was different. His eyes saw more that anyone's and he always saw more deeply into her than she'd ever let anyone before.

Not that she let him see into anything. As with anything regarding Kaidan and her feelings, it was effortless. He'd always seemed able to read her like a book and he always would. Staring into those eyes, unmoving and frozen in time as the image was, she still found herself getting lost in their depths.

They were so close to seeing each other again. Ending the Reapers, finding her new crew, had taken precedence...not that she'd have been able to find Kaidan if she wanted. She knew the Alliance. Top secret and highly classified meant no one could find him. Not even the Illusive Man could find him and his resources were virtually limitless.

Did he know she was alive? Had he heard, all the way out there on the far reaches, that she wasn't dead...at least, not anymore?

That familiar ache in her heart swelled more as she looked at the picture and thought about what she would say, what it would be like...would he, could he, join her again? She needed him, and for more than just what he did to help keep her centered. He was a soldier like she'd never known and a powerful biotic. She needed someone at her back she could trust. She needed that one man who moved with her on the battlefield as if they were one entity.

It'd be like the old days. She had Dr Chakwas and Joker again, even Garrus she'd found. Tali, though she didn't join up with her again, was even found. She'd always wished she'd find all the others but it had been Kaidan she'd missed most. Kaidan who made her heart ache...Kaidan would she vowed she would find again.

Joker's voice piped over the intercom into Shepard's office, breaking her thoughts away from Kaidan. "We're approaching Horizon, ma'am. The Collectors are here."

Wiping a tear away she hadn't realized had fallen, she sat up and set Kaidan's picture on her desk in its place as her heart skipped a beat in fear at hearing the Collectors were already there. "I'll be right there. Tell Garrus and Jack to suit up and meet me at the shuttle bay," she replied, her voice commanding and calm as ever.

The com clicked off and she stood up, moving over to her armor locker as she began to get ready. Though her heart longed to see Kaidan again, she had a mission and she couldn't let her personal feelings get in the way. The Collectors were there. She had to prepare herself for battle.

Still, even as she donned on the last piece of armor, her thoughts moved once more to Kaidan. She hoped they would get there in time. If anyone could hold them off, it was Kaidan.

"I'm coming, Kaidan, just keep holding them off," she said as she left her quarters and headed to the shuttle bay.


	6. Found then Lost Again

The colony was under attack. The Collectors had come and were mid-harvest when they arrived. Though she fought hard, killing any Collectors she came across, a part of her heart clenched in fear. Where was Kaidan? Had he been taken by the Collectors? Fear turned to anger the further through the colony they worked, Garrus and Jack watching her back. Her anger and worry drove her, pushed her. If they had taken Kaidan, she would move heaven and galaxy to find him and she knew when she did, every last Collector she found would die a slow and painful death. She would find him. She had to find him.

 _Hold on Kaidan, I'm coming..._ she thought to herself as they continued to push through the colony.

Damn Collectors.

Damn Reapers.

They would pay.

* * *

 

Kaidan watched as his body remained frozen in some kind of stasis as swarms of insects ravaged the colony. Aliens descended and fury built up within him but there was nothing he could do. Like the other colonists, he was immobile but fully aware.

He watched everything within his field of vision, analyzing and learning everything he could as colonists one by one were loaded into pods. He had to find a way to break free but there was no way. He was trapped and the aliens were starting to work their way towards him, collecting the frozen colonists and putting them away in pods.

Suddenly something halted the aliens as they stopped what they were doing and began to move quickly to another side of the camp. Sounds of weapons fire reached his ears from the far side of the colony. Cerberus, no doubt. He'd been sent here on reports that Cerberus might be behind the attacks on the colonies.  
At least he doubted they were working with these aliens. Cerberus was as "strictly human for humans" as an organization could get. Unless the Alliance somehow got tipped off about the attack in time, he doubted it could be them. That left Cerberus as one of the few remaining options.

Held in stasis, he listened intently as sounds of battle drew closer. He caught movement out of the corner of his eye and saw one of the aliens go flying, a biotic shockwave propelling it through the air. More of the aliens amassed, backing up as they fired on the assailants closing in on their position.

Whoever they were, they were precise and efficient. Powerful too, if that biotic shockwave was any indication. Suddenly a rush of blue energy propelled forward with a person at its center towards one of the aliens. It moved with fury as surged across the path, lunged onto a crate then launched off it, coming down into the creature. He watched out of the corner of his eye. As the person was coming down, fist ready to smash into its face, his heart stopped.

 _Was that…?_ No, it couldn't be.

She landed with force as her fist came down, her whole body radiating with a powerful biotic field, as its head exploded under the impact. She was quick to recover as she rolled off the alien and drew out a pistol, moving for cover as she resumed fire on the enemy forces.

The way she moved and crouched, ducked the fire and shot off rounds, left no doubt in his mind who it was.

Shepard.

His heart threw somersaults while simultaneously tightening in his chest. She was dead. He still remembered Joker screaming her name the moment she was lost. For two years he'd mourned her, trying moving on, burying himself in his work. Yet there she was, fighting as if nothing had happened and nothing had changed. As if she was still the same woman she had been two years ago.

The rumors she was alive had been right and that created a swirling mixture of emotion within him he couldn't process. He'd been prepared for a lot of things, including Cerberus using her memory as a weapon. He even considered the possibility of a mech with a high-tech VI module running around pretending to be her. Watching her as she moved, there was no doubting she was the real deal.

Why hadn't she contacted him? Why hadn't he heard from her? Where had she been? She didn’t look like she was with Cerberus as she fought the aliens. At least that was a small miracle. Clearly the reports had been wrong.

Trapped as he was, all he had were his thoughts and questions as he saw her and her team push through the aliens. All too soon she'd cleared them and continued working her way through the colony until they rounded a corner and disappeared from view. He recognized one of the members of her team. Garrus. So that's where he'd disappeared off to.

It made his chest ache more. She'd reached out to Garrus but not him. Had he been wrong about them? About what they were? He shook the thoughts from his head. Speculating wasn't going to do anything but make a mess. Knowing Shepard, she was going to stop this attack and then…then they'd be able to talk.

Then he'd get answers.

Once more, his entire universe was turned upside down.

* * *

After a long grueling fight through Horizon, Shepard's team finally made it to the terminal to activate the GARDIAN defenses. After holding off the Collectors from their assault, the defense towers finally did enough damage to the ship that they'd left. She cursed they weren't able to disable them permanently and rescue the colonists on board. How many of the colony had they abducted? Did they have more from other colonies aboard?

A thought she'd been suppressing tore through her mind. Was Kaidan one of the colonists on board? She hadn't found him yet as they'd swept the colony and it created a deeply seated anxiety in her chest. Was Kaidan alright? Was he even alive?

The grating voice of the mechanic rang through her thoughts as he cursed them for letting the Collectors get away. She knew how he felt though it was Garrus who responded. When he called her Shepard, that seemed to get the mechanic's attention. He smirked and asked if she was supposed to be some 'big Alliance hero'.

"Commander Shepard. Commander of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel. You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost."

She heard the voice and dared to hope the man whom it belong to was really there. When he came around the container, she swore her heart stopped beating for a moment.

Kaidan.

His voice, a low coarse timbre that send a shiver down her spine and sent her heart soaring with happiness and elation. He was alive and he hadn't been taken by the Collectors. Standing there, even as he spoke to the mechanic about her, she couldn't take her eyes off him. The last two years were written on his face in tired life-worn lines, but beneath them was still the man who'd stolen her heart and taken her breath away...her Kaidan.

Tears of happiness threatened to fill her eyes but she held them at bay. No matter how good it was to see him, she couldn't let it show. Not with her team at her back and a stranger in front of her. Her heart and stomach turned somersaults within her but nothing could get her to break her gaze from his.

She hardly noticed as Delan muttered something about being done with the Alliance and walked off. She was aware of her surroundings, of course, but none of it matter. They’d found each other again.

He stepped closer and after a brief moment, he opened his arms and she moved into them. It took everything she could not to let tears of relief fall as she held onto him tight, breathing in his scent and the warmth of him. Spices and metal. Some things never changed. Closing her eyes, she savored the moment for everything it was worth. Her heart that had ached now felt whole and it was as if a part of her, a part of her soul, had been returned to her.

Kaidan couldn't believe it was really her as he held her, the familiar feel of her body fitting to the shape of his. The scent of lilacs rushed his nose as he buried his face into her neck and reveled in the relief at her being alive and once more in his arms. He'd never thought he'd get the chance to hold her again, to feel her warmth. It was like a dream he never wanted to wake up from but he knew it wasn't a dream. Not this time. This time she was real.

Her arms tightened around him even more as she buried her face in the crook of his neck and she felt his do the same.

"I thought you were dead, Shepard. We all did," he said, a soft murmur at her ear. She could hear the emotion and the pain heavy in his tone as he clung to her, his arms tightening around her for a brief moment. Slowly he pulled away and though the loss of the feel of him wracked her to her very core, she released him as well and took a deep breath as she looked at him again, her eyes meeting with those amber orbs of his.

There was so much she wanted to tell him. So much she wanted to say. Still, remembering her crew at her back, she knew now wasn't the time. It wasn't the time for Kiara to speak everything she wanted to speak. It was the time for Commander Shepard. Later she would get her chance to speak to him privately.

"It’s been too long, Kaidan. How have you been?" She said with a smirk of a smile, hoping he'd see the words for what they truly were. Hoping he'd see how much she’d missed him but knowing that it would be later they could talk more openly. She hoped he would read between the lines as he’d always been able to do.

She couldn't have prepared herself for his actual reaction. Instead of understanding, she was met with upset and anger.

"That's all you have to say? You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened?" he looked at her with such hurt in his eyes, such pain. The happiness of the reunion was over and instead, she saw in his gaze the pain the last two years had brought him.

He stepped forward closer to her, his voice dropping slightly, "I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real. I...I loved you." His words hit her like a bullet to the heart. Loved? Past tense. Had his feelings changed? The pain in his gaze only grew as he looked deep into hers, "Thinking you were dead tore me apart."

Sadness and pain mingled with anger as he looked at her, leaning towards her, "How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?" Kaidan knew he should have given her a chance to speak but all of sudden, it had all come pouring out. Though she'd held him tight, the distance he heard in her words when they parted had cut him to the quick.

Like the flip of a switch, her own happiness had turned to pain and sadness but with his words, anger mingled with her emotions as well. Why hadn't she try to contact him? Why hadn't she let him know she was alive? She had! She had written him numerous times telling him what was going on, that she was alive, that she missed him. That she loved him. She’d tried to find him, tried to find a way to reach out to him when she could but she'd been in a coma, if it could be called that, for two years. Wasn't it enough she'd tried to find him the whole time since she woke?

"Not my choice! I spent the last two years in some kind of coma while Cerberus rebuilt me," she said, trying to reign in her emotions. She hoped he would see. She hoped he would understand.

His expression changed at her words, and once again where she expected one emotion, she got a different one. Pain and anger grew pale next to look of disgust and betrayal that wrote itself into his features and filled his gaze. She had never thought to ever see that look on his face directed at her. It cut her deeper than anything could.

"You're with Cerberus now..." he said as if he couldn't quite believe it, though the words that came from his lips were heavy with that statement as he stepped away from her. "...Garrus too. I can't believe the reports were right..." he shook his head in disbelief, his gaze remaining fixed hard on hers.

As much as she wanted to look away, to look at something else other than the way he looked at her, she couldn't.

"Reports? You mean you already knew?" Garrus asked from behind her, reminding Shepard of him and Jack at her back.

Kaidan didn't break his gaze from Shepard’s, "Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. They got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors that you weren't dead. That you were working for the enemy."

"Cerberus and I want the same thing: to save our colonies. That doesn't mean I answer to them," she defended, trying with everything she could to not let her voice come across harsh. How could he think she would ever, willingly, work for Cerberus? He knew her better than anyone, knew her deepest thoughts. She had thought him, of all people, would’ve know she was using them.

"Do you really believe that? Or is that just what Cerberus wants you to think?" he asked with a harshness he didn't try to hold back, stepping forward towards her in his anger. His gaze searched hers, "I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive, but I never expected anything like this. You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance..." For the briefest of moments the contempt wavered as pain came into his amber depths, "...you betrayed me."

Her heart ached and warred with her own anger as she stepped forward, pleading inside that he would understand what she was doing, "Kaidan, you know me. You know I’d only do this for the right reason. You saw it yourself. The Collectors are targeting human colonies and they're working with the Reapers."

Kaidan's demeanor shifted a bit as contempt turned to concern, though still his distain for Cerberus rippled through him, "I want to believe you, Shepard. But I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you." He took a half of a step forward, "What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?"

"Damn it, Kaidan! You're so focused on Cerberus that you're ignoring the real threat!" Garrus ground out behind Shepard, his own anger and frustration rising.

Kaidan hadn't said anything she hadn't already thought of but she knew, deep down, the Reapers were involved. Garrus only reinforced the point she was trying to make and it gave her strength to push forward, "You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts."

"Maybe. Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you're the one who's not thinking straight," Kaidan said, the contempt returning and mingling with so many more emotions that swirled inside him. She knew it, she could see them all. He'd always been transparent to her, as she knew she had been to him. Or, at least, she thought she had been.

"You've changed. But I still know where my loyalties lie. I’m an Alliance soldier. Always will be. I’ve got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not," Kaidan said as he turned to walk away. The movement sent a thread of panic running through her that she fought hard to not let show. He couldn't leave! He couldn't go. Not after all this time, not after everything that had changed. She needed him. There was still so much to say, so much he needed to hear. She loved him!

"I could use someone like you in my crew, Kaidan. It'll be just like old times," she said, taking a step forward. Though her words were that of a Commander, she did everything she could to convey that it was her, Kiara, pleading with everything she was for him to stay. From him, she didn't hide the pain at the thought of losing him again as she looked at him.

He stopped walking away and stood there for a moment, his back still turned to her. Hope she scarce wanted to feel sparked in her heart. Would he come with her? Would he come to understand what it was she was doing? That she wasn't working for Cerberus but using them, their resources, to do what the Citadel, the Council...even the Alliance wouldn't do?

"No, it won't. I'll never work for Cerberus," he turned then, looking to her. In that moment, with that look, the spark of hope extinguished in her breast and a pain, so deep and so strong, coursed through her like nothing in her life. She knew his next words before he spoke them.

"Goodbye, Shepard. And be careful."

She felt like she had been shot through the heart, like her world had come crashing down and exploded all around her. Tears threatened to overwhelm her as he turned and walked away, her breath stealing from her lungs as her chest clenched in pain. She couldn't breathe.

It was the smell of the acrid smoke and the bodies of the Collectors all around her which pulled her from her grief as Kaidan rounded a corner and disappeared. She couldn't process it all in that moment. Later, in private she would, but not there. Not then.

Touching the com at her ear, "Joker -- send the shuttle to pick us up. I've had enough of this colony."

After that, it all went grey. Her movements were automated, her thoughts swirling and replaying what happened over and over again in her head. Eating her. Tormenting her.

 _Did I just lose him for good?_ she thought as she boarded the shuttle and headed back to the Normandy.


	7. Horizon Debrief

Even when she returned to the ship, she didn't have time to sneak off to her quarters. The Illusive Man wanted his report.

"Shepard. Good work on the Horizon. Hopefully, the Collectors will think twice before attacking another colony," he said, his voice as grating and annoying as ever to her ears. A voice full of ego and pomp. It annoyed her at the best of times but now, with what had happened on Horizon, she could stand it even less.

"It's not a victory. We interrupted the Collectors, but they still abducted half the colony," she said, uncaring if the anger and annoyance of her voice bled through.

"That's better than an entire colony, and more than we've accomplished since the abductions began. The Collectors will be more careful now, but I think we can find another way to lure them in."

Unease settled in her at his choice of words, suspicion filling triggering her instincts. "Kaidan said the Alliance got a tip about me and Cerberus. Was that you?" she asked sharply.

He took a deep drag of the disgusting cigarette of his, a smug look on his face, "I may have let it slip that you were alive. And with Cerberus."

Anger flared more inside her, "You risked the lives of my friend, my crew and that entire colony? Just to lure the Collectors there?"

"A calculated risk. I suspected the Collectors were looking for you, or people connected to you. Now I know for certain. I told you I wouldn't sit and wait while the Reapers and Collectors gather strength. Besides, they would've hit another colony eventually. And without a way to predict which one, they would've abducted everyone," the Illusive Man responded, a lilt of annoyance touching his tone. She would have missed it, it was so well controlled, but from the start she was cautious with him. She didn't trust him, and that made her more watchful of his every move and every inflection.

She detested having to work with him as she detested this whole situation. She was done with all of it, and she was especially done playing games, "We have to make sure they don't abduct anyone else."

"I want the Collectors stopped for that very reason. That's why we're doing this, Shepard. I'm devoting all resources to finding a way through the Omega 4 relay. We have to hit them where they live. Your team will need to be strong...as will their resolve. There's no looking back. The same goes for you. Can I assume you've put your past relationships behind you?" he asked.

Anger flared once more in her at the nerve he had to ask her such a question. "None of your damn business," she said sharply, not making any effort to hide her disdain.

"If it affects the mission, better you should leave it behind," he put out his cigarette in the tray on his armrest. "Shepard. Once we find a way through the Omega 4 relay to the Collector homeworld...there's no guarantee you'll return. To have any hope of surviving, you - and your entire team - must be fully committed to this."

She clenched her teeth as they ground together, the rumblings of her anger pulsing through her entire body. "Let me worry about them. You just find us a way to the Collector homeworld."

He looked at her, his eerie and all too bright blue eyes boring into her even through the vid connection, "I just want to be up front about your odds. You'll need everyone at their best. I've forwarded three more dossiers. Keep building your team while I find a way through the relay. And be careful, Shepard. The Collectors will be watching you."

Just like that, with a push of a button, the comm link was ended and the field around her lowered. Exhaustion filled every inch of her as she took a breath, the day catching up with her. All she wanted to do was retreat to her quarters and let the day be done.

Turning, she saw Jacob by the door and she met his eyes with her own. His arms were crossed in front of him as he leaned against the railing, "I guess we're really gonna do it. Hit the Omega 4 relay, take the fight to the Collectors in person. Looking forward to the action. After seeing what those bastards did on Horizon though, makes you think."

She stepped off the platform and walked towards him, her Commander persona taking over as she buried her exhaustion, and emotions, deep below the mask, "They're powerful, but we've got a few tricks for them. If anyone can stop them, we can."

"No argument there, Commander. Horizon just made it hit home. What we're doing, what we're up against," he said, his demeanor grew heavy, "Gonna go take care of a little unfinished business. I imagine everyone else is, too - getting some closure, you know?" With that, he turned and walked out, the door shutting behind him.

She looked down, closing her eyes a moment as she took a breath as she left the room. His words had touched close to home, too close to home, and her resolved around her Commander mask was failing. She made for the elevator with all haste ignoring everyone she walked past. She even ignored Kelly as she informed her of messages she'd received as she made to the lift and set it to take her up to her cabin.

Soon after, the doors of her quarters shut behind her and she leaned against the door, locking it with the security codes.

Walking, though it felt more like drudging through sludge, she made it to her desk. Seeing the picture frame of Kaidan there on the surface, she felt the shreds of her mask fall away as the weight of the day. Everything that happened hit her with impossible force.

Tear filled her eyes as she crumpled to the ground, resting her head against the side of her desk. With her mask crumbling away came the falling of the dam she had built to hold in the ache of her heart. Without a breath, the pain came flooding back in and threatened to take her under as she closed her eyes.

Kaidan was gone. She'd lost him.

All the hopes and dreams, the fighting to find him and the struggling to take it all on, came crashing down. The pain she had felt on Horizon as he said goodbye brought it all to her and consumed every inch of her. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't see.

Pain turned to anger. Anger at Cerberus and wishing they had left her dead. Anger at Kaidan for not trusting her. He should have known her better than he acted and should have known she was fighting for the right side - that she was fighting her way to defeat the Reapers. She felt anger at herself for not fighting harder for him, for not saying the right things and maybe convincing him to join her.

Her anger then turned towards the Reapers and it settled deep within her heart, quickly taking root.

The Reapers. It was because of them she had lost everything. Her life. Her world they way she knew it...her love. They would pay and pay dearly, as would anyone who helped them. Already she had a deep desire to want the end of the Reapers for the sake of the Galaxy but now, that desire for their end had made its home in her heart as anger. Now, they had made it personal.

She would end them. She would prove to the Galaxy they were the threat all along. She would never work for Cerberus and when the Reapers were dead, she would been done with them too.


	8. Finding Hope

After a hefty cry and a good workout had left her exhausted, Shepard had fallen into a dreamless sleep. When she woke, though she felt rested, she felt empty. Her heart still heavy with the events of the previous day, she readied herself and settled her Commander mask on her features as she headed towards the CIC. As she walked out of her cabin, EDI's voice piped over the intercom updating her on the status of the krogan in the cargo bay.

After her newly rekindled resolve setting in last night, that morning hearing the status of the krogan, she made a decision. She was going to run this mission her way. Damn the Council. Damn the Alliance. Damn the Collectors. And most certainly, damn Cerberus. The Reapers would fall and she wasn't going to let some egotistical terrorist mad man make all the decisions.

She knew Cerberus protocol, something Miranda hadn't hesitated to inform her on regularly. It required the maintained stasis of the krogan. This was war though and she needed the best on her team. From what it had sounded like from Okeer, this krogan was it. The elite of his kind. The perfect Krogan.

As soon as she stepped into the elevator, she set it to go to the Engineering Deck instead of the CIC. Once inside the cargo bay, after a considerable amount of argument with EDI, she released the controls holding the krogan in stasis. She had her pistol and she knew where the airlock controls were if anything went wrong. She hoped for the best but she had made damn sure she'd prepared for the worst.

It didn't surprise her when he attacked. When she asked him to join her crew and he said he found her unworthy, she smirked. She had thought to entice him to her crew but instead he wanted her death. If she had learned anything with her time with Wrex, they understood violence. So be it.

As he pressed her to the wall, she pressed her gun to his armor. It was her heavy pistol and she knew at such a close range, with the ammo in the chamber, it would knock him back easily enough, if not completely penetrate his armor. He would either die, survive and join her or survive and try to kill her. She was prepared for all three eventualities and knew exactly how far it was to the airlock controls.

Without a second thought she set off a shot as he stumbled back and looked down. Seeing it only surprised him, she released another shot, then another, and another until she emptied six bullets into his armor. Some had penetrated but not all the way through. The others had done their job in pushing him back. His lip was the only place that bloodied where one of her bullets had grazed him.

She never failed to be amazed at Krogan resiliency. For a moment, she analyzed the situation. She mentally counted how many steps to the door and how many seconds it would take her to get there and release the airlock, spacing him should he retaliate.

A wave of relief washed over her when his reaction fell in the middle of her predictions. Instead of attacking again, he regarded her with an impressed look and told her she had proven herself worthy of him to follow. She raised her gun to his face, and made it perfectly clear to him if he tried anything like that again she wouldn't hesitate to kill him. With that, he grunted, which suited the name he'd given himself as 'Grunt' and went over to look at the stasis chamber he'd been in.

"Commander," Kelly's voice rang over the comm just as she lowered her gun, "You've receive a new message at your private terminal. Its encrypted." Encrypted could mean only one thing, most likely, and that was the Illusive Man. He was hardly someone she wanted to hear from, but she didn't doubt it was important.

With a last glance at Grunt, she left the cargo bay and made her way up to her cabin. With barely a glance at Kaidan's picture, she turned to her console and opened her messages. After a brief glance over the encrypted message, it outlined his concern for her releasing of the krogan. She shook her head. She should have known EDI would tattle on her. Still, he deferred to her judgement and that boded well for the new course of actions Shepard was planning. She hunt down the Collectors but the tables were turning. The Illusive Man would soon learn he worked for her, not the other way around.

She took a moment to look at the other messages she had. There were a few that she'd already glanced over but there was a new audio one with the subject line 'About Horizon...'.

She hesitantly opened it and immediately Kaidan's voice came out of the speakers of her terminal console. Her heart lodged in her throat at the sound of his voice. Even with the events of the previous day, her heart still reacted to the sound as it had when he'd walked around the container on Horizon. His words filled her room, and her head, as she listened with bated breath to the message.

" _Shepard_ ," he started with a heavy sigh, " _I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving…and to move on. And I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?_ "

Her heart clenched tighter in her chest. Was that why he was different? Had he found someone else? The message played on as he took a breath, going from speaking intensely and fast to suddenly slow and heavier tone to his words.

" _And then I saw you……and………everything just……pulled a hard to port,_ " the emotion, the weight of his words bled through the message. She could hear his pain and it reflected the pain in her own heart, " _I mean, you were standing in front of me, but…you were with Cerberus._ " He scoffed, " _I mean I guess I don't know who either of us is anymore. I mean…do…do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night…meant….everything to me. I mean, maybe it meant as much to you…but…a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside._

" _But…please be careful. I mean I've watched too many people close to me die - on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon…on the Normandy,_ " his tone dropped as he breathed out the word Normandy, not hiding the pain or the implication of his words and she knew what they meant - watching her die. Her heart tugged painfully in her chest, "And I just…I couldn't bear it if I had to lose you again. I mean, if you're…if you're still the woman I remember, I know you're gonna find a way to stop these Collector attacks.

" _But Cerberus,_ " he scoffed again, though it was more like a sigh, " _…Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted._ " Silence held the message, only static indicating it was still playing. For a long moment it remained silent, then he said, almost as if a whisper, or a prayer, " _Watch yourself._ "

Then another long moment of silence then his voice filled the room again, " _Look…when things settle down….maybe…._ " his voice trailed off, the tiniest spark of hope daring to rekindle in the dark recessed depths of her heart, " _…I don't know. Just…take care. Signed, Kaidan._ "

The message ended and the silence of the ship descended around her, the static gone. A breath she didn't know she'd been holding left her lungs as she felt the wetness on her cheeks against the circulating air of the room. She'd been crying through the whole message and hadn't even realized it. Her heart felt as heavy as his words. Yet, in the depths and the darkness, she felt a small spark of hope ignite. Clinging to it tightly, she forced her tears to stop as a determination, bred out of her love for Kaidan and the love she knew from his message he still held for her, took hold.

Unlike the night before when her determination was bred from anger and hatred, vengeance and destruction, her new determination found a balance born from a purity she found in that love.

She turned her head and looked at his picture on her desk, clinging to that shred of hope, broken as it was.

Maybe once this was all done, just maybe, Kaidan would understand.

Maybe then, just maybe, they could try to pick up the pieces together.


	9. Unlikely Companions

For weeks after Horizon, Shepard buried herself in her mission. Though she held a small hope in her heart that after her mission she and Kaidan would find a way back to each other, she knew there was nothing she could do about them until then. He was gone and he had his own missions and life to lead. What would be, would be.

It was better that way. The chances of surviving taking out the Collector homeworld grew dimmer each day as they learned more of what it would likely entail. Though she had hardly given up hope, she knew if there was any chance of surviving their ultimate mission, it would need her complete focus.

So she gave it just that and worked, keeping herself busy tracking down the team members she needed. Shepard had to admit she'd never seen a more diverse and eclectic crew. It wasn't just the number of aliens she had on the team but the various walks of life they'd come from. She relied heavily on Garrus, Joker and Chakwas for the most part but she was warming to the rest of the ship.

Even her Cerberus crew was growing on her as she began to see the individuals rather than just their association with Cerberus. Miranda was the only one who Shepard couldn't bring herself to trust. She tolerated her but she doubted she would ever trust her. She was Cerberus through and through. She'd drank the Kool-Aid and was devout in her belief of them.

The rest of the team she'd assembled were alright though. As the mission pushed on, Shepard found herself growing closer with Jack with each passing day. There was an understanding there and the more she learned about the woman, the more she appreciated. She understood why she was the way she was and, for some reason, Shepard trusted her as much as she trusted Garrus or Joker. Jacob, even, was slowly gaining Shepard's trust. He was honest and open and while he supported the good things Cerberus did, he wasn't afraid to speak his mind against all the bad Cerberus had done.

She'd even found an unlikely companionship with the tank-bred krogan after their tussle when she'd woken him. He responded well to straight-talk and when she interacted with him, he was one of the few she didn't have to filter herself with. It was cathartic. In turn, Grunt and her built a rapport. It didn’t take long before he began seeking her out, learning all he could from whatever she could tell him. She answered his questions and over the weeks, she'd found herself in an odd relationship with the krogan. It wasn't maternal, per say, but it was similar - like a mentor/mentee dynamic that suited her well. He was her haven for speaking her mind and she was his resource for learning about the ways of the galaxy.

It was during one of these talks, he had expressed a distress over the thoughts and feelings that had been growing inside him. Thoughts of anger and violence, a rage coursing under his skin and a need to battle. They'd already set course for Tuchanka to rescue an old teammate of the salarian doctor's. When they arrived, she wasted no time setting about making sure he was seen by the clan leader to help explain what was going on with him.

It had surprised her when that clan leader was none other than Urdot Wrex, her old teammate. She hadn't expected to find Wrex there but seeing him alive and well, a leader amongst his people, had made her happy. She was proud of him and all he had accomplished and she could see sparing him on Virmire had been a wise decision. She'd known then he'd had the potential but seeing him put that potential in action made her proud, for him and his people.

Shepard had also found relief when she learned that Grunt only needed to complete his Rite of Passage. Declaring herself his krant, she stood at his side during his Rite. It was a challenge but one that ended up helping Shepard as much as it did Grunt. They'd faced a thresher maw, on foot, and the experience had brought back a lot of memories she'd buried from Akuze. The battle had been an epic one and in the end it had helped her process through her memories. With its death, she was able to lay her past of Akuze to rest.

The fact her and Grunt had defeated the Thresher Maw had been a major feat in the eyes of the Krogan. It was something that hadn't been done since Wrex's own Rite. As a result, Wrex invited Grunt to join the Urdnot clan. In Shepard's eyes, there was no clan more worthy of her Grunt than Urdnot and she knew under Wrex's leadership, he had a strong future ahead of him.

The days spent on Tuchanka were an eye-opening time for Shepard and she found an unlikely friendship with many krogan she met there. She valued their customs and rituals and understood their culture more than she had previously. She felt an odd kinship with the krogan people. The more she learned, the more she liked. They were a strong race with strong values. By the end of their time there, she knew it was a place she wanted to return to after her mission was complete.

Laying in bed, she rolled over as her thoughts on the mission and her time on Tuchanka mulled in her head. As she adjusted her position, her leg knocked against her new bed companion's leg. Looking down, she sighed when she saw the varren curled up against her side. Her latest stray. She smirked and shook her head. A varren.

The mongrel had taken a shining to her while on Tuchanka and refused to leave her side when she tried to leave. As a gift, Wrex gave him to her though she recalled how he stated, gift or not, he didn't think the varren would even let a thresher maw get in his way of following her back to the Normandy.

"Urz" was his name and though she was hesitant at having a varren on her ship, or any pet larger than her hamster and fish, he quickly wormed his way into her heart with his puppy like behavior and fiercely loyal disposition. Immediately she had recognized a kindred spirit in him. They were both survivors. She sighed affectionately as she reached down to pet him between his ears, a soft huff of contentment leaving his nose at the touch.

Laying back, she looked up at the window on her ceiling, the stars rushing by as they made their way to Illium.

Survivors.

They were certainly that.


	10. Warrior's Grace

It was a beautiful sight, the way the blue energy collected and swirled around her as she hurled into enemies. They fell to her with ease, a finesse of beauty. An artist on the field of battle. Thane had never seen a warrior as fierce as her. An avatar of the old sihas of legend. She fought with ferocity and held no fear in her heart. He didn't stop to wonder why this warrior-angel was here seeking him out, merely accepted the fact that she was.

Whatever her reasons, she was advancing towards his target. He had lingered long enough, watching from the shadows as she fought her way through the towers. Breaking from his position, Thane kept moving. He had to get there first.

He pushed himself, his skills routinely being challenged as he made his way up the towers. It was a race, though she did not know it, and it made his blood thunder in his breast like he'd not felt in years. This warrior was a worthy opponent to race against. She was graceful but made little show of it, her determination surgical in its execution. Her biotic powers were a tool yet even those she'd harnessed into a fine craft of art. Even the way she wielded her firearm was poetic.

He had to push harder. Be faster. Stronger. He had to get to his target.

In record time, he was in the ducts above Nassana and the voice of Commander Shepard reached his ears. They knew one another, Nassana and the Commander, but it was not a friendly reunion. He canted his head to the side as he listened acutely, curious about the conversation. It helped that their conversation also allowed him to map out their placement in the room.

Closing his eyes, he attuned himself to the room below him. Two guards, heavy shuffles on the floor. Likely male or heavily armored. Another guard near the target, lighter of foot and scared by the sound of her gun rattling subtly in their hands. The target paced near the far side of the room near the windows. Shepard and her team entering on the opposite side, calm and well positioned, he guessed, by the lack of sound coming from them.

"Shepard? But…you're dead" Nassana said in surprise.

"I got better," Shepard responded, her voice holding confidence that reflected her abilities, as he had expected. _This could prove to be a rewarding opportunity_ , he considered as he held position in the ducts, _a valuable distraction_.

"And now you're here to kill me," the asari said. To his ears, Thane could here the faintest waver of fear in her voice.

"You're really paranoid, aren't you?" Shepard said with a hint of bored amusement.

"Don't patronize me, Shepard!" the asari bit at her.

"Charming as ever."

Thane found the exchange amusing. The Commander was not only confident and fearless but daring. With three armed guards at the target's disposal trained on her, she still dared to taunt Nassana.

"I'm sure you find all this very ironic. First you take care of my sister, and now you're here for me," Nassana said, her voice changing position as she moved around the room. The information itself Thane found it interesting as he filed it away for potential use later. Nassana continued, "Well, you made it this far, now what?"

"You really think I'm here to kill you?" Shepard asked, her tone flat and unimpressed.

"Do you have another reason for destroying my tower? Decimating my security?"

"I'm just looking for someone," the Commander said plainly.

"You expect me to believe that? Is it credits? Is that what you want? Just tell me your price. We can make this problem go away."

Thane could hear the agitation in his targets voice, the fear and uncertainty. She was desperate and he knew his time to complete the contract was coming. She would make a mistake and he would seize the opportunity. They always did. Slowly he began to make his way closer to open vents at the far side of the duct.

"All the credits in the world won't make this problem go away, Nassana," Shepard said. Thane noticed a slight change in her tone. It was slightly amused but reserved, as if she knew something the target didn't. She did, of course, but the fact she let it out so obviously in her tone only added to her daring nature.

"Who the hell gave you the right to play god? I may not be perfect, but look at you. We both kill people for money. What's the difference?" Nassana spat. She was becoming more unstable. Good.

"You kill people because you think they're beneath you; they're in your way." What had been well calculated banter changed at Nassana's word, emotion registering in the Commander's voice. It intrigued him even more. Her voice held a trace of anger and repulsion at the accusation, "I kill people when they leave me no choice."

Thane crept closer, coming to crouch above the vent. He could see two of the guards, both bulky and male as he had predicted. Given he hadn't heard the other move, only Nassana, he could now place the lighter guard with accurate precision. He stilled a moment, letting silence blanket him like a shroud. The time was near.

"You've got a choice. You don't have to do this. I can tell you…" Nassana paused, her voice taking on irritation, "What?"

"I heard something," another Asari voice chimed in from where he placed the third guard.

"Damn it. Check the other entrances," she said, "When I'm finished with this nuisance, you and I are going to…"

Thane took his chance while the guards were in place. Swiftly he dropped down onto the floor through the opening of the vent. It was easy work taking out three guards. A snap of the neck. A punch to the throat. A well aimed shot in the heart between the armor seams on the asari.

With fluid motion of years of training and experience, he reached out and pulled Nassana to him as he batted her weapon out of the way. His pistol came to rest against her stomach and after giving her a moment to realize what was about to happen, he pulled the trigger.

She did not fall though. He made sure of it, catching her body in his arms and laying her back on the console. Carefully, he arranged her body with her hands resting on her stomach then he stepped back. Without a word, he brought his hands to cup each other as he said a silent prayer to Kalahira, Goddess of Oceans and Afterlife.

One of the Commander's companions spoke but he did not register the words, his prayers devout and focused. He had spoken the last words when Shepard finally spoke, "I was hoping to talk to you."

"I apologize," Thane said, "but prayers for the wicked must not be forsaken."

"Do you really think she deserves it?" she asked.

He frowned slightly and gave the barest shakes of his head, his eyes still closed in prayer, "Not for her," he opened them then and looked up to Shepard, "For me." Sheathing his pistol, he attempted to explain, "The measure of an individual can be difficult to discern by actions alone. Take you, for instance. All this destruction…chaos."

He walked around the console where Nassana's body laid as he approached the Commander. He was intrigued by this woman and her purpose for being there, "I was curious to see how far you'd go to find me." He strode in front of her and spread his arms out, "Well…here I am." He hoped her reason for seeking him out was not one that would result in combat.

Her gaze held his unwavering, "How'd you know I was coming at all?"

"I didn't. Not until you marched in the front door and started shooting," he said, moving once again. He walked past her, his hands coming to clasp behind his back, "Nassana had become paranoid. You saw the strength of her guard force. She believed one of her sisters would kill her. You," he glanced at her over his shoulder, "were a valuable distraction."

"Let's cut to the chase. I need you for a mission," Shepard stated plainly and he admired her determination. So she was not there to try to kill him. It was a relief, though he knew if she had been it would have been a good battle. At least now they were getting closer to what she wanted from him.

"Indeed?"

"You're familiar with the Collectors?" she asked and though his back was still turned to her, he knew precisely where she was and that she was looking at him. As were her companions. The Collectors. She grew more fascinating by the minute.

Turning, he walked back towards to console, "By reputation. Collectors were widely regarded as myth, the galaxies boogeyman especially in the Terminus systems."

"They're abducting entire human colonies. Freedom's Progress was their handiwork," she informed him.

He lowered his head. So many innocents gone. It was a grave injustice. "I see," Thane said simply, his soul sad for so many lives taken.

"We're going after them."

He turned to her then, "Attacking the Collectors would require passing through the Omega 4 relay. No ship has ever returned from doing so." Once more she reinforced his observation of her ferocity and daring if she was, indeed, considering such a feat.

"They told me it was impossible to get to Ilos, too," she said. It was matter of fact, no ego or boasting in her words. She knew it was a slim chance of success yet still she desired to face it head on without hesitation.

"A far point. You've built a career on performing the impossible," he observed as she approached him, coming to stand beside him. He looked over the console at the cityscape outside the windows as the setting sun colored the room with a warm bath of luminous hues.

He reflected then, on the steps his life had taken to bring him to the point he found himself in and what the contract's intentions had been. "This was to be my last job," he said softly, then turned his head slightly in her direction, "I'm dying." If she truly wanted him for her mission, she needed to know all the facts. "Low survival odds don't concern me. The abduction of your colonists does."

"You're dying?" Shepard asked, unable to keep the surprise from her voice, "Are you contagious? How long do you have?" All valid questions, especially since she was asking him to serve beside others she had a responsibility to look out for. It was admirable.

"If you're interested, we can discuss it on your ship. The problem isn't contagious and it won't affect my work," Thane stated simply.

"I hadn't heard that. Is there anything I can do?" she asked, concern still present her voice. She genuinely cared and that was a rare trait. Especially given all she only just met him and the extent she likely knew about him was he was an assassin and little else. It intrigued him.

"Giving me this opportunity is enough," Thane said, looking back out over the cityscape, "The universe is a dark place. I'm trying to make it brighter before I die. Many innocents died today. I wasn't fast enough, and they suffered." He turned and looked at her, "I must atone for that." He reached his hand out, "I will work for you, Shepard. No charge."

She took his hand and shook it, her grip firm but not brutish, "Welcome to the crew."

In short order, they made it back to the Normandy and he got settled as they got underway to their next destination. Not long after, he heard the door to his quarters in the Life Support room open. He had been expecting her. The conversation about his disease had been left unfinished on Illium but was restarted promptly. He admired the way she tried to learn all she could about it and offer help where she thought she could. He was a member of her crew, now, and he could see that meant a great deal to her.

Part way through the conversation, he finally looked over to her. He took in the sight of her up close and found his world stilled. Her hair was cropped short to her shoulders flowed loosely around her neck, the darkest shade of black that held a vibrant luster in the lighting of the room. Full lips shaded in a rich natural vermillion set against her sun-kissed skin. She was radiant and yet the way she held herself, there was no question she was a formidable woman.

Her eyes were what drew him in and held him suspended in their luminance. They were a silvery alabaster, framed in heavy lashes that matched her eyes, giving her gaze an almost ethereal glow. He wondered what had happened to make her eyes that color for he had never a human with eyes naturally that shade.

Thane realized she had fallen silent and was looking at him with an odd expression. He had been caught staring and he bowed his head in apology, "Forgive me, Shepard, but I have never seen eyes as yours. Were you born with them as such?" he asked boldly.

For the briefest of moments, she look startled by the inquiry but she quickly regained her composure. "No, I wasn't," she said, regaining herself. She moved to sit across from him at the table where he sat. He enjoyed the tranquil view of the reactor of the ship behind her that helped with his meditations.

"Two years ago, I died when a ship attacked and destroyed the original Normandy," she started, folding her hands on the surface of the table. She was matter of fact in the way she spoke about it but there was something with the way she said it that made him wonder how many people she'd really talked to about the subject. "Cerberus found me and put me back together. Miranda Lawson was the head of the project. They called it 'Project Lazarus'."

"A fitting name for the resurrection of one such as you," Thane said as he bowed his head in indication of her as she continued.

"When I woke, an effect of the process or, maybe it was the result of dying, left me with the gaze you see now. No pigmentation in my irises. The green I'd carried my whole life had been bleached as it were," Shepard smirked, shaking her head, "It was disconcerting to say the least when I caught my reflection in the mirror."

Shepard shrugged, "Its still an adjustment. You look at yourself in a mirror your whole life then all of a sudden the image staring back doesn't look like you remembered it looking." Her tone, and gaze, became momentarily heavier as she said that, leaving Thane to wonder if her words held a deeper meaning. "So now I have these eyes. Miranda has never heard of something like this happening, but then again its not like its common place to resurrect the dead. I figure worse things could have happened when I came back."

"A very interesting take on the situation, Shepard. Thank you for sharing it with me," he bowed his head in thanks.

"You asked. No one has asked me that before," she said simply then rose to stand up from the table. "Thank you for sharing information with me about your condition. I would still recommend speaking with Dr. Chakwas in the infirmary to do a general check up on you and see if there is anything she can do to help, at the very least, with your symptoms."

"Thank you, Commander Shepard, I will consider what you have said," Thane gave her a low nod of respect and then she departed.

Soon after she left his attention was pulled in by the hypnotic pulsing of the ship's engines as he slipped into his meditations, reflecting on the events of the day and the warrior-angel whom he had sworn his service to.

 


	11. Betrayal and Goodbye

Kaidan had been right.    
    
 _Don't trust the Illusive Man and don't trust Cerberus._  
    
She knew that it along, but to have it confirmed so brazenly was a kick in the teeth.    
    
The Illusive Man had led them into a trap, though he claimed it was for the good of the mission. _"Doing whatever needed to be done"_. The Collectors had known they were coming. They'd been waiting. All because the Illusive Man wanted information from their ship and couldn't be bothered to let her know of his plans. He was worried it might've "tipped them off", somehow, had she known. It was a load of bullshit if she'd ever heard one.   
    
She didn't know what to believe anymore. Its not that she had ever trusted the Illusive Man, or Cerberus, but this was something else. She wasn't surprised to learn that the ship they boarded and grabbed the data from was the same one from Horizon. No, the surprise came when they'd learned it was also the same ship that had destroyed the original Normandy - the ship that had killed her. It was beyond coincidence and when she'd learned that, every internal alarm began sounding off. She'd ignored them and it almost had cost them the Normandy SR-2.  
    
To top everything else off, the Collectors were Protheans - or rather they had been at one point.    
    
At least Shepard had been given the last few weeks to really build up her team. It was a good one but they weren't quite finished. She didn't have any more team members to recruit but she did have promises to keep. She couldn't fault the crew for wanting to wrap up their lives and clean up loose ends. Once they entered the Omega 4 Relay, it was likely going to be a one-way shot.  
    
Her mind kept wandering to Kaidan but whenever it did, her heart ached to an almost unbearable degree. At those times, she focused that pain on her goal: to eliminate the Collectors. She hoped it would foil the Reapers for good but she knew better. After everything she had seen, she knew it wouldn’t be that easy. It would slow them down, buy the galaxy time to prepare, but that was it.

No matter how much she focused on her mission though, none of It changed the fact he was gone. She hoped the future held something for them, somehow, but the closer they got to confronting the Collectors, the more she doubted it.

She missed him. Everywhere she looked was something to remind her of him. On missions, when she'd look to see who had her six, for a brief moment she would expect to see him there as he always had been. When wandering the Normandy, whose layout was so similar to the original, and seeing that silly spot that reminded her of Kaidan always be fighting with that damned faulty console. It was a galley now but the memories still held strong, making the ache never seem to go away entirely.

The nights were the worst though. She missed him beside her. Not just in bed. She had quickly gotten used to the feel of him beside her in bed, yes, during those few times they'd had together. But it was more than that. She missed him in everything and she missed everything about him. His body and the way he could bring out her deepest pleasures. His steady breath, lulling her in to sleep. His warmth keeping her safe and secure. His voice, strong and sure, while he wrapped her as his arms in a tight embrace when she woke from her nightmares.

At least those had stopped, though it was only a small relief in the grand scheme of her life.

The galaxy could be such a lonely place. The longer their mission went on, and the more unlikely it became they would return from the Omega 4 relay, the more lonely she got. She saw the way Thane looked at her. She knew with every conversation they shared, the closer they got. She enjoyed his company and he enjoyed hers. The fact he was an alien didn't bother her, yet every time she considered the thought of moving on, she found her thoughts turning to Kaidan and suddenly she couldn't breath. How could she consider moving on when still, deep in her heart, Kaidan had given her a shred of hope? A shred that maybe, when this was all over and if they survived, they might be able to find a way? A second chance to figure it all out again…

If they survived. They were doing everything they could to give themselves the best fighting chance but the odds were stacked against them. Could she put him through holding onto the hope of them only to have her die, again? Wouldn't it be better if she just let him go now?

She still hadn't replied to the letter he'd sent after Horizon. She didn't have anything to say. She didn't even know if it was going to get through all the Cerberus bullshit. Her others before Horizon hadn't. She sighed and rubbed her temples. She was on a suicide mission set to take on the Collectors at their home world, or at least base. Could she really let him continue to hope with that likelihood looming over her?

She stared at his picture on her desk. No, she couldn't. He deserved the chance to move on. He had said he couldn't bear to lose her again but the chances of that were growing higher with each passing day. At least, maybe, this time she could give him some closure. Not to mention get some herself. It would let her focus on her mission while she fought like hell to get them all home.

Picking up a data pad, she headed out of her quarters and down to the port observation deck. It was rarely used and she knew it would give her the privacy to write what she knew would be the hardest message of her life. It was a change of scenery and it'd become a tranquil little hideaway for her where no one could find her.

Sitting on one of the sofas, she curled up her feet and started typing out the words:

> _Subject: Closure_   
>  _From: Kiara Shepard_
> 
> _To: CDR Kaidan Alenko_
> 
> _It's me._
> 
> _I know I probably should have written a while ago but, to be honest, I didn’t know what to say. What could I say?_
> 
> _I'm sending this on a secure transmission buried in layers of encryption, hoping this get through, because there are things I have to say and things you have to know and I don't trust Cerberus. The mission parameters have changed…or, rather, they've gotten a lot more complex and…I don't think I'm gonna make it back from this one._
> 
> _Where its taking me and my crew is looking like a one-way ticket - a trip through the Omega 4 relay to a drop zone the size of a pinhead on the edge of the galactic core. All to destroy the Collector homeworld. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure my crew, and anyone who may have survived the Collectors, make it home. You know me. I don't accept status quo and I never accept it when people try to tack on the word 'impossible'._
> 
> _Still, it looks grim and this time, I can't go and do what I need to do without saying a few things._
> 
> _I don't fault you for the things you said on Horizon. The words hurt but I can't blame them. I can't even imagine what it must've been like for you. All I can say is…I'm sorry. I want you to know that I love you, Kaidan. I think I've loved you since the moment I woke up in the infirmary and you were standing there, dark circles under your eyes, from keeping that damn vigil over me._
> 
> _You're the strongest man I know and the most steady. You never waver in the face of challenges and you rush headlong to be the champion of the mistreated. You're a good man and an exceptional soldier. You were my light when the darkness was at its darkest. In your arms, I found the strength to be good enough for the galaxy. Good enough for you._
> 
> _You deserve so much more than you've gotten, Kaidan. You deserve happiness and peace. A chance for a future. I'm going to fight to very end to make sure you have that chance - to make sure the Reapers stay far away for as long as they can. Find that Doctor you talked about or someone else, fall in love again. Fill that dream house on the bay with the pitter pat of little Alenko's and live a life full of love and happiness._
> 
> _I'm saying let me go. Where we're headed, I can't do what I need to do knowing that when I don't come back through that relay, you'll have to bear what you already went through all over again. I can't do that do you, Kaidan. I want you, I need you, to mourn me. Mourn me now while I am alive. Say goodbye while we still have the chance._
> 
> _I also need you to make me a promise. A promise that, no matter what happens, you will keep fighting to warn the galaxy of the Reapers. They're coming, Kaidan. Even if I stop the Collectors, the Reapers will still come. I hope what we're doing will buy you time to prepare but there's no telling what's going to happen. The cycle will continue eventually but I know with the right chance, we can break it. We can do what the Prothean's couldn't. Reach out to Liara on Illium and the Wrex on Tuchanka. Lean on them. Use them. Put pressure on the Council. Muster support with the Alliance._
> 
> _Do whatever you need to do to ensure we win this in long haul. We can fight and we can win but we need to start preparing now. Failure of this mission, for me, is not an option. My team and I will succeed and we will slow down the Reapers. But I need to know that here at home, the fight will continue, whether we make it back or not._
> 
> _I have to go now._
> 
> _Take care of yourself, Kaidan, and know that I have no regrets beyond losing you. It has been my privilege knowing you and there is no one who I am more proud to have served with than you. I go to this mission with a heart full in the knowledge that just for a time, you were mine. That for a short time, I knew what it felt like to be loved in a way few even dream of._
> 
> _Until my last breath, I will never stop loving you._
> 
> _Goodbye Kaidan. Stay safe._
> 
> _Kiara_

The data pad saved as tears trickled down Kiara's cheek. Her heart had been aching for weeks but with her words on the pad, it had finally broke completely. She knew it was the right decision, for him and for her. She couldn’t bear the thought of what Kaidan would go through if she didn't return. It would've been a distraction and their best hope for getting home alive was to have no distractions. Everyone was working on their unfinished business.

The letter was hers.

She'd never been very good at words and as she reread what she'd written, she felt it lacking. There was so much more she wanted to say and share but she didn't know how. Wiping her cheeks, she sniffled softly and looked out the window as the stars rushed past them. It was quiet and serene and it balanced the raging torment consuming her soul.

For the next few hours, she just sat there watching the stars, the letter lingering as a draft. When she finally decided to head to her quarters, she brought up the data pad and took one last look at her letter. A moment later, it was sent. With a heavy sigh, and a heavy heart, she returned to her cabin.

A small smile formed on her lips when she saw Urz stretched out along one side of the bed. At least her bed wasn't totally empty.

Changing into her sweats and tank top, she padded over to the bed and crawled in under the covers. The loneliness crept in once more as she reached over and wrapped her arm around her bedmate. He let out a small sound she'd learned was contentment.

Curled up there with her varren, she let the tears come again until she'd cried herself dry. Only then did a dreamless sleep of exhaustion pull her once more into the darkness. 


	12. Memories

It'd been a few days since they'd left the Citadel, on to another mission in preparation for their trip through the Omega 4 relay. Shepard was glad Garrus had gotten revenge on the man who'd killed his squad. She was also happy that they had gotten Thane to the Citadel in time to stop his son from ruining his life. He had been following down a dark path and Shepard was honored that Thane had wanted her to be there with him to help bring Kolyat away from the life his father had led.

It had been an emotional time but one father and son needed. Shepard hoped they would get the chance to repair the rift between them. They both deserved it and she knew they could both use the closure if the worst were to happen with the Collectors.

For her part, Shepard was still fuming over her talk with Anderson. She'd gone to check in with him and say her goodbyes but the meeting had gone far different than she had expected. He admitted to knowing that Kaidan had been on Horizon when she'd first asked about him, investigating the reports of Cerberus. Anderson had known and hadn't told her. Kiara had known Anderson her whole life, her father and the now-Admiral close friends. He was her former CO and a dear friend to her in his own right and the bastard had spied on her.

To think he didn't know her better than to think she was some pawn of the Illusive Man infuriated her. Still, she couldn't entirely blame him. Cerberus was a shifty organization and manipulative to the fullest extent. When she cooled down, she realized that had she been in his position, she likely would have done the same. Still, it hurt knowing he knew where Kaidan was and what he was doing and hadn't told her. Anderson was one of the few in her life who knew her relationship with Commander Alenko went past former crewmate.

It was all in the past though. With what they were going to face, it had to be. She'd cooled off, shot Anderson an apology letter for her reaction and eventually found herself outside the life support bay where Thane had taken up residence. She wanted to check on him, see how he was doing after the Citadel and seeing his son. She buzzed the com and received entry.

"Do you need something?" Thane asked, his back remaining to the door as he faced the window overlooking the engine.

"Have a few minutes to talk?" she asked, not wanting to intrude if he was busy.

"Very well. I am…I had been recording a message for Kolyat," he admitted, gesturing for her to take a seat across from him.

"How are things going with him?" Shepard asked, taking the offered seat and leaning forward on the table. She studied him, trying to gauge his mood. It was difficult trying to read him, having had little exposure to drell previously, but she managed.

"It is difficult. All things worth keeping are."

Shepard's thoughts turning to Kaidan and hers relationship at Thane's statement. They were the epitome of the word 'difficult'. She shook the thoughts from her head. No, she already let him go. He needed to move on and she did too so she could focus on what needed to be done. She reflected on Samara's words spoken to her earlier, "…my feelings have always come after my duty. The same is true of you." Shepard focused on those words now. Her duty to the mission, to stopping the Reapers, and to her crew had to come before anything else.

Thane watched her as she watched him, noting the moment when her thoughts seemed to run away from her. She was a hard woman to read but he was learning her quirks and tells. Something had been troubling her for sometime, weighing down her heart. He wanted to be the one to alleviate that weight in whatever way he could, though he was at a loss for how.

He recognized the pain in her. He felt it himself at the memory of his wife. Before Thane realized it, the words were coming out of his mouth, "I never explained…I suppose the story of my wife's death took you by surprise."

She leaned forward a bit, relaxing against the table, showing her interest in the conversation. Once more her attention was focused on him and away from the thoughts that pulled at her, "I figured you'd explain it to me when you were ready."

He bowed his head to her, "I appreciate your patience." Slowly he rose, pacing in front of the table, "I kept my work clear of our home life. I assumed that would be enough to protect Irikah. That memory I mentioned before - _laser dot trembles on the target's skull, the smell of spice on the spring wind, sunset eyes defiant in the scope_ ," he suddenly took on that far away look as he recalled the memory in perfect detail. When he came out of it, he looked at Shepard, blinking his focus back to the present, "That was Irikah. That was how I met her. She saw my targeting laser as she walked by and threw herself in the way."

Empathy covered Shepard's face as Thane took his seat again, "When you talked to Kolyat, you said she died."

Thane looked down, sorrow written on his features, "I let myself become complacent. I thought Irikah and Kolyat were safe. I stayed away too long and my enemies came for her."

"You told Kolyat that you hunted her killers down."

"Irikah woke me up. When she passed, I returned to my battle sleep. My body hunted her killers. Murdered them. I was taught to grant death quickly, cleanly. To minimize suffering. Them…" Thane's face took on a hard look, "I let them linger." He struggled not to recall the memories of their deaths, calling upon his strength to keep them at bay.

"You were operating on instinct. By your own rules, you can't blame yourself," Shepard said compassionately, her pale gaze focused on him.

"But I made the choice to hunt them. They're the only lives I've ever taken of my own choice. The only deaths on my own conscience." Their deaths weighed heavily on him and he knew they would until he took his last breath. It was then he realized he'd spoken of something he'd never shared before aloud. He sat back, regarding Shepard with a soft gaze and the ease at which he found himself when in her company, "I haven't spoke about my wife in…I don't think I ever have. I didn't have anyone left to tell it to."

"I'm here for you, Thane," Shepard said, giving a warm smile as she looked to him, "Whatever you need." And she meant it. She cared for Thane and considered him a close friend. Perhaps, were things different, she might have even considered him more than a close friend but that couldn't happen. She had the mission and the pain of losing Kaidan was still too fresh in her heart to love another. She was content to enjoy his companionship while they had time to enjoy it.

"You," Thane bowed his head and smiled, "You are very kind." He leaned forward then, resting his forearms on the table, "Thank you for listening, _siha_."

"I think my translator just glitched," she said with a curious smirk, "What did you call me?"

" _Siha_. Someday I will tell you what it means," he said with a small smile. It fit her and it settled on his lips warmly as he called her it as a form of endearment. It was the greatest compliment he knew to give to one such as her.

"I should let you finish your message to Kolyat," Shepard said as she stood and then, with a warm nod, departed.

Thane watched her as he went, still as mesmerized as the day he met her by her strength and beauty. He had seen her many more times in battle since then, fought at her side, and he had no doubts. She was a _siha_ and she had fought her way into his heart.


	13. Confession

Shepard sat in her quarters at her desk looking over the latest intel from Cerberus. Another colony had gone missing by the Collectors. Damnit. The situation was growing more dire, more desperate. She wished they could depart immediately but they were still waiting on one more thing. They couldn't go into the relay blind. They needed the IFF and then they needed to get it up and functional.

Shaking her head, she found herself needing to get out of her quarters. She headed for the quiet tranquility of the port observation deck again and curled up on one of the sofas. Since the night she'd written her farewell letter to Kaidan, she'd spent a lot of time in the room. It'd become her haven. A place for her to stop and collect her thoughts. Once, that haven had been Kaidan but that was over. He was gone, she had made sure of that. The thought of losing him still made her heart ache to an almost unbearable degree.

She was pulled from her thoughts as she heard the doors to the deck open. "Forgive me, I hope I am not disturbing you," Thane said from the doorway.

Shepard turned and looked over the back of the sofa and smiled, shaking her head, "Not at all. Please. Join me," she said, gesturing to the seat beside her. Though she had gone to the observation deck to not be disturbed, for some reason when Thane came in, she didn't feel disturbed.

He bowed his head in thanks and came into the room, the door sliding shut behind him as he took a seat beside Shepard. "What's on your mind?" she asked, bringing her leg up to rest on the seat as she remained turned to face him.

"Will you hear my confession, _siha_?" Thane asked, his voice low and warm. His eyes, a dark green so dark they nearly looked black spanning from corner to corner, searched hers as he sat there.

"Last time we talked like this, you said you'd explain what ' _siha_ ' means," she said with a smile, curious as to what it was he continued to call her. She didn't dislike it and she had a feeling it wasn’t anything insulting. The way he said it was almost reverent, and was always spoken like an endearment.

"I need to explain myself to you first," Thane said, "When I married Irikah, the hanar let me leave their service to raise a family. But I had no other skills, so I freelanced. When Irikah was killed, I pursued those responsible. Once I'd eliminated them, I had no goal. I accepted the Dantius commission because I didn't know what else to do."

"Not the healthiest attitude to take on a mission," she said with a chide, though it was spoken with warmth with her understanding. The grief he must have felt was something she couldn't fathom. Is that what Kaidan had done? Threw himself into his work because he didn't know what else to do? Its what she was doing, and even though Kaidan was not dead, he was gone from her life all the same.

"You're right. It's not. Looking back now, it's clear I'd resigned myself to death," Thane confessed, "I would have fulfilled my contract. If Nassana's guards caught me afterwards…it would have been a good death." His energy became impassioned as he tilted forward towards her slightly, "But someone else was pushing to reach the target. Forcing me to move faster. Challenging me. I had to reach her first." The smile on his lips showed that it hadn't annoyed him but rather pleased him she had been there.

Shepard was still caught on the fact he had gone into the contract expecting to die. "I had no idea you'd planned to die in there," she said softly. She knew he was dying from his disease, but he hardly seemed like the suicidal type. Then again, she thought, couldn't they all be considered suicidal given the mission they were on?

"It wasn't a plan," Thane corrected, "My body had accepted its death. My mind had been dead a long time." He leaned, resting his arm on the back of he sofa, his gaze softening as he looked at her, "But I met another _siha_. Few are privileged to meet even one."

Shepard felt a warmth spread over her at the way he looked at her, speaking that endearment again. It brought a smile to her lips, "You still haven't told me what a ' _siha_ ' is."

"One of the warrior-angels of the goddess Arashu. Fierce in wrath. A tenacious protector," Thane said, not leaning away. Shepard was speechless that he considered her what he'd called her. She was humbled and awed by it. His gaze grew intense and focused, "I confess, I've come to care for you. Perhaps I'm being foolish. We are very different."

Shepard looked at him, returning his gaze. She had seen the way he looked at her over the previous few weeks and wondered. It had given her pause a few times and not for the bad. Still, now wasn't the time. Not with what they were about to go through and not with the healing she was still choking through over Kaidan.

Besides, she worried Thane wanted of her what she couldn't give him. She sighed, "We are very different people, Thane. I wouldn't be able to replace Irikah." Her gaze searched his, waiting for his response. She didn't want to give him false hope. Even if there was a chance for her to have felt more for him, she couldn't replace Irikah. By the way he spoke of her, she knew he still loved his wife deeply.

"You wouldn't have. You can love more than one in a lifetime," Thane said softly, though the disappointment was written in the lines of his face. "I respect your wishes. I won't speak of his again." He stood and reached for her hand, taking it gently in his, "I hope it won't offend if I carry you in my heart."

Before she could respond, he released her hand and left the deck as the doors hissed shut behind him. She sat there, thinking on his words. For Kaidan's sake, she hoped what Thane said was true and that a person could love more than one in a lifetime. For her, she doubted it was true. Even with the true end of her life seeming to be coming up much more quickly than she imagined, she'd had her love and she'd lost him.

She sighed. She cared for Thane and hated that she'd hurt him but it was for the better. She knew deep in her heart there was no one else she could love as she loved Kaidan. She was damaged goods on an impossible mission. Death was a higher likely outcome than survival. She lived for the mission now.


	14. Letter Home

Shepard laid on her bed as she watched through her ceiling the void of space as it passed by. More emotions than she knew what to deal with raged through her. They'd installed the IFF and EDI had tested it when they'd left for their last mission. It had been a trap, just like the Collector ship. Now, thanks to a virus embedded in the IFF, the crew of the Normandy had been taken by the Collectors.

Joker was the only member of her crew she hadn't taken with her. He had saved the Normandy when he unshackled EDI. At least they still had the ship and the team she'd built, only the standard crew compliment having been left behind. It was a small miracle, at least, but it just reinforced how dire their chances were. Even with all of their upgrades and flashy retrofits, it was truly looking like a suicide mission.

She would get her crew back. She would save them, destroy the Collector's base somehow and if there was any way to get them home, she would find it. She watched as the stars rushed by. Urz laid at her side with his head on her thigh. Perhaps it was because he was an animal the Collectors hadn't taken him. She didn't know but she was glad he was there. He was an element of stability she'd come to rely on greatly.

Preparations to go after the Collectors were almost finished but Shepard knew she had one last piece of unfinished business: writing her mother and saying what needed to be said. Looking at the data pad, she sighed and began recording the message.

" _Mom_ ," Shepard started, taking a deep breath. " _This is it. The last leg of my mission. I wish I could tell you more about it but I can't and still make sure this message gets to you. I know you know I'm on a mission to stop the Collectors. Where we're going to do that…_ " she paused a moment. She didn't want to worry her mother but she knew she needed to know. She needed to know why her daughter wasn't coming home.

" _…its dangerous. More dangerous than any mission I've ever undertaken. What I can tell you is where we're going, I'm not sure if we're going to make it back. It's looking like a one-way trip but I promise, mom, its worth it. When this mission succeeds, it will strike a blow to the Reapers. And this mission will succeed. There are no other acceptable outcomes. I will weaken them and delay their coming for as long as I can._ " Shepard's voice was strong with resolve and passion for the cause she was willing to sacrifice her life for.

Her voice turned heavy though, " _But make no mistake, the Reapers are still coming. Please, don't let the Alliance become complacent. The threat was not the Geth. It never was. It was always the Reapers and if the galaxy is to survive, we need to come together. I need you to trust me on this._ "

She took another breath, " _I've asked Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko to make sure, regardless of the outcome of the mission, that the fight continues. Seek him out. He's a good soldier and I trust him with my life._ " Her voice hitched a moment as she let out a breath, " _With more than my life._ " She didn't hide the emotion she knew was coming out. She knew her mother would read between the lines.

She wanted to tell her everything but there wasn't the time. Her voice wavered a bit, " _Watch out for him for me. Please. I know when I died…the first time…it hit him hard. I'm sure it hit you and dad beyond hard too but this time…_ " her voice trailed off. " _The last thing I want is for any of you - you, dad…Kaidan - to have to go through what you already went through a second time. I just hope with this message you can find some closure should the worst happen. Find some peace in the event I don't make it home._ " She tried to push away the welling of emotion threatening to overtake her so she changed the subject.

" _I've found a good crew. They give me hope that if there is any chance of making it through this mission, we will. It's funny,_ " she smirked, " _I never….when Cerberus brought me back, I didn't expect to trust anyone I needed to acquire for this mission. I still don't trust Miranda Lawson but I understand her better. I hope, for her sake, in the end, she'll see Cerberus for what it truly is. Jacob Taylor does, at least to a degree, so that's something._

" _The others though….they're a good bunch. They're family,_ " she chuckled, " _as diverse and psychotic a family can get, mind you, but family. I've grown particularly close with a girl we picked up on a penal colony - and yes, mother, I know what you're going to say to that. She's alright though. Cerberus did a lot to her, messed her up real good, but she's coming around. I see good in her and I know she's got a bright future ahead of her if we get through this. She's…I don't know…she's kind of became like a sister to me. Or, rather, what I always imagined a sister would be. Her name is Jack._

" _There's also this drell assassin - yes, I know, mother, you don't have to say it there either - who has a unique outlook on life and on the death. His name is Thane. He's poetic and reminds me a bit of a warrior-priest. He's given me a lot of counsel I've come to rely on. He has balanced me as has the asari Justicar, Samara. They've given me a lot to reflect about in my life. You can't begin to imagine the others we've got on the team too. There's Tali'Zorah, the quarian, and Garrus the turian who both helped me stop Saren. Joker and Dr. Chakwas too are with me. Its good to have them at my back._

" _Then we have,_ " she laughed then affectionately, " _a krogan again, if you can believe it. His name is Urdnot Grunt and…he's definitely opened my eyes to new cultures, especially krogan culture. They’re so fascinating. I've even managed to gain the trust of a varren named 'Urz' who would never leave my side if he got the choice. Then we've a salarian doctor, Mordin Solus, who's…I think you'd like him. He reminds me a bit of Uncle Arthur, eccentricities and all. And, if you can believe it, we've got a fully actualized AI, too, who has surprised me for the better at every turn._ "

Shepard grew quiet a moment then, " _I want you to know about the people whom I'm going into this mission with. They're good people and I trust them to get us through this. Still, the closer we get, the more I think about how much they rely on me and I wonder…will I do better than I did on Akuze? Will I be enough to bring them home?_ "

She sighed heavily, " _I know what you would say. You'd tell me to look at it logically and decide from the facts, not the emotion. You're right. I know the answer to that. It's yes, because there is no other option available. When the feat is the most impossible, that's when I make sure it gets done. It's my job to make sure this mission succeeds and its my job to make sure we make it home. I will get them home, no matter what the cost._ "

" _I'm sorry, this has…turned out longer than I expected. I just wanted you to know as much as you could. I love you, mom. You are the strongest, smartest, most beautiful woman I know and everything that I am, everything I have become, I owe to you and dad. My strength, my resolve, my ability to lead…its all you,_ " Shepard felt the tears prickle her eyes as she tried to reign it in, though all the strength in the world couldn't keep the emotion from her tone.

" _Oh, and,_ " she chuckled, though it was a sad one, " _let dad know I got a bottle of Peruvian Whiskey in my quarters and I'll not let the Shepard tradition die. Have him crack one open for me too, tonight, will ya? For good luck._ "

Shepard didn't hide the emotion as her voice cracked. She took a moment to regain herself though she barely did, the pain of saying goodbye heavy in her words as her tears filled her eyes, " _I have to go now. I love you mom. Dad. Take care of yourselves and know that I'm doing this for you and for Kaidan and for the chance for a future for our galaxy. I'm proud to be your daughter. I love you._ "

She took in a deep breath, " _Goodbye_ ," she swallowed, a tear falling down her cheek, " _Signed, Your Daughter, Kiara._ "


	15. No Calm Before the Storm

There were only a few hours. It was surreal that they were finally at the point of going through the relay. Months of preparation and planning for this mission and the final leg was present. Though she wouldn't admit it to anyone, Shepard felt scared. Not just for the success of the mission but for her crew. They'd become like a family to her, as surprising as that was, and she wanted to make sure got them home.

Getting home was secondary, though, to their primary mission: wiping out the Collectors and slowing the Reapers.

There was no option for failure. They would succeed. They had to succeed. Every race in the galaxy relied on them to take out the Collectors and if it took her last breath, Shepard would make sure not a single life was taken by them again. The thought didn't relieve the lead weight in her stomach. So much was riding on her, on her leadership. It was daunting. She wished Kaidan were there.

She leaned against her desk with a glass of Peruvian Whiskey in her hand - the Shepard tradition before a big mission. She smiled as she thought of her father and his ridiculous obsession with the whiskey. Her thoughts turned once more to Kaidan and the glasses they shared when he'd gotten back from the Citadel. It was his favorite too. Then she thought back to the night before Ilos. They were facing challenging odds, seemingly impossible ones at the time, then. How long ago that seemed. A lifetime, and for her that was quite literal. So much had happened since.

She looked over at his picture on her desk and stared at it for a long moment. Try as she might to let him go, she still had that damn thing sitting there. No, there was no letting Kaidan go. He was as much a part of her as her soul was. She closed her eyes, draining her glass to steel again the pain that wracked her heart thinking of him. She reached over and laid the frame facedown on the desk before refilling her glass and walking over to the edge of her bed. She needed to focus.

She sat down and sighed as she looked at the caramel liquid in the glass. She was restless, agitated in that way she got before a battle, and she was lonely. She was tired of the ache in her heart and the weight of the entire galaxy on her shoulders. She wanted peace yet she knew to get that peace, she would have to spill blood. Collector blood.

As she sat there, the tension grew, as did the hole in her heart. She needed to get a grip on herself. They were still hours from the relay and she knew if she lost it now, she'd lose the focus she knew she needed for the mission. The crew was counting on her to be the Commander Shepard they'd signed up to fight for.

Her door chimed and she called that it was open. As the doors parted, Thane walked in, his muscles taunt with anxiety. She saw the distress in him. Something was wrong. Standing, she moved to set her glass down on the table, "Thane?"

" _Siha_ , I'm sorry to disturb you…I" he began as he moved down the steps. Something was bothering him greatly as he paced, his movements were slow and controlled, "I have known I will die for many years. I've tried to leave the galaxy better than I found it. You've helped me achieve more than I thought possible. We've righted many wrongs…" his voice grew soft, "I've spoken with my son." He turned to look at her, the distress written in every line and movement, "I should be at peace on the eve of battle."

He looked down and turned away again, striding over to the small table against the wall near her sofa. He closed his eyes as a tear ran down his cheek. After a moment, he slammed his fist down onto the surface. "I'm…ashamed. I have worked so hard. Meditated and prayed and done good deeds. Atone for the evils I've done. Prepared. I consider my body's death, and a chill settles in my gut. I am afraid, and it shames me," he said, his voice wavering as his arm trembled at his fist pressed into the table.

Shepard walked over to him, placing her hand on the fist that shook. Her heart ached for him, for the fear he felt. She knew the fear. She felt the same thing. She'd already died once but it had been an unexpected, sudden thing. She hadn't had time to contemplate her life ending. Now she had the time and she wondered if that was the agitation she felt. The fear of truly dying. Of her future, and everything it could hold, ending - of the pain it ending would bring to those she loved.

Thane startled when she touched him and turned his head to look at her, "You said you could not replace Irikah and I told you I would respect your wishes. Forgive me, _siha_ , for coming to you like this. I did not know where else to go but before I knew it my feet had…"

"Thane…" she interrupted softly, pulling at his fist and turning him to look at her. She looked up into his dark eyes, once so alien yet now a familiar sight. Something moved in her. She didn't know what she was doing or why as she reached up with her other hand and cupped his cheek. She was done thinking. She was done letting her head get the better of her. She was done worrying about death and the mission and the coming battle. "Be alive with me tonight," she whispered to him, her eyes not wavering as the tears slid from his.

His cheek was surprisingly soft beneath her fingers, his natural scales smooth to the touch. He looked at her for only a moment, as if trying to gauge her. Slowly he leaned in and she tilted her head up to meet his. Their lips touched and in that moment, everything else faded away. Her fears, the mission, the ache in her heart. All of it vanished as she felt his hands tentatively come to rest on her hips.

The hand on his cheek slid around to the back of his neck as she stepped closer to him, pressing her body against his. Her other hand pressed against his chest where his shirt and jacket opened and left his chest bare. She sighed in the kiss, deepening it and the feel of him, desire stirring in her body.

At her boldness, he responded with his own as his arms came fully around her and embraced her. He held her tight against him as his kiss grew more heated, more urgent. They both knew what this was. She was not Irikah and he was not Kaidan but together, in those moments, they let their pain release and they just felt.

Neither could tell how long they stood there, lips locked in an embrace as tongues danced and tasted each other. Shepard admitted it was an odd sensation, kissing him. His lips were soft like his cheek but less scaly. His tongue was strong and he held nothing back when he embrace her. Her head swam the longer she embraced him. She felt drunk and elated, though she knew she'd not had enough to actually get her drunk.

She didn't think more of it as the kiss grew more heated as they began to walk back towards her bed. Her fingers worked over the fabric of his clothes to remove them as quickly as possible while his own came up to unclasp and slide off her own uniform. Before long they were both naked as his cool skin pressed against her body. Every inch of him was smooth but also hard and honed, from his chest to his torso to his thighs.

He was a fighter, an assassin. His body was in perfect condition despite his ailment. Feeling him against her, seeing the way he looked at her when the kiss broke and they just stared at one another for a moment, sent a course of desire running through her. As she looked at him, she marveled at the sight of him as her head swam more.

"You are a vision, _siha_ ," Thane said his gaze moved over her, but it was his voice that caught her off guard. She felt a bit disoriented but she could have sworn his voice had been Kaidan's. She knew that voice anywhere, it was a balm to her soul. Thane's lips descended to her neck as he kissed up the length, whispering her name in desire as his lips brushed over her earlobe. Once again, his voice was not his own but Kaidan's.

She pulled away and looked at him, needing to make sure it was really him. _I must be hallucinating_ , she thought when Thane's gaze held hers, heavy with passion. She mentally shook her head and pulled him into another kiss as they fell back onto the bed. No, she wouldn't let her head take this from her. She needed this.

The hours passed by too quickly as they disappeared in the sheets, bodies joining and sliding against each other as ecstasy claimed them. In the haven of the bed, there were no missions, no lost loved ones, no fear of the unknown. They just lived and shared that life together in the most primal and natural ways. It was what they'd both needed and while they had it, they reveled in it.

When the comm came through that they were approaching the Omega 4 relay, Kiara was still laying next to Thane. Though her head was on his arm, she rested on her back as the sheen of sweat slowly began to dry on her skin. The agitation in her body had calmed, the stress of what was to come worked out in the most primal of ways. Even the disorientation had begun to subside.

She knew she should've felt guilty for what they just did, and a part of her did, but she also didn't regret it. Her heart still belonged to Kaidan and it always would but she'd needed this and so had Thane. She turned her head and looked to him.

He watched her silently for a few moments then finally spoke, "Thank you for sharing that with me. I know this doesn't change anything but I want you to know I will cherish this memory for whatever time I have left. You have given me a great gift, _siha_."

She smiled and leaned up, pressing her lips to his cheek. There was nothing to say to his words but she let her eyes show she appreciated what he said and felt their depth. "We should get ready. We're getting close," she said as she turned and slipped out of bed. She redressed quickly and tucked her hair back from her face behind her ears.

Behind her, Thane dressed as well and gave her a small smile before departing. It wasn't long after he left, as she made her way to the CIC, she felt an irritation growing under her uniform. It only grew as she made her way to Mordin's lab to make sure he was ready.

"We're about to go through the relay. You good?" she asked him, the skin irritation getting worse. What the hell was going on?

"Actually wanted to talk. Medical matters. Think might be too late though," he responded in that eccentric, choppy way he did, "Aware that mission is dangerous. Different species react differently to stress. Sexual activity normal as stress release. Still, recommend caution with Thane. Drell-human liaisons…complex. Thane complex as well."

Shepard did not like where this was going, and she wondered how the hell did he knew what happened? She scratched at her shoulder then it sunk in as Mordin continued, "Prolonged human to drell skin contact can cause small rash, itching. Oral contact may cause mild hallucinations. Can supply treatment to reduce discomfort and alleviate symptoms."

Shepard groaned internally as she resisted the growing need to itch, though it explained the disorientation she had felt. She had been hallucinating. She groaned and rubbed her temple. She didn't need this right before a mission, especially this mission. "Just…fix it Mordin. Please?" she asked, trying her hardest to be nice in asking.

Mordin nodded and went to grab the injection. A few minutes later after injecting her, he gave a satisfied smirk, "There. Symptoms should retreat by the time we're through relay. Thirty minutes, tops, for complete relief. Next time, come to me before hand. Have oils and ointments to help facilitate intimate contact."

Shepard rubbed her head and sighed, "Duly noted and Mordin…"

"Strictly confidential. Understood. No word of this to anyone. Private life private. Would not share," he said firmly then wandered off to work on whatever he was doing as he prepared for the mission.

Sure enough, by the time they reached the relay the treatment had worked and she'd felt nothing. She was glad it'd been caught before they went through the relay. With that out of the way, she donned on her armor and headed to the bridge. She hoped that would be the only hitch in the mission but she was too seasoned to expect that hope to be anything other than a fool's hope.

Her last thought before they went through the relay was of Kaidan before she secured him firmly away in the back of her mind and focused on the mission…

 


	16. Regrets

Kaidan ran his hand over his face as he sat down at his console, exhausted from the days work. He was back with his students and every day was an exhausting one, albeit rewarding. He'd been happy to dive back into work after Horizon. Seeing Shepard alive again had thrown him for more than a loop. It had hurt when he'd been forced to say goodbye with when she died but the second goodbye had hurt nearly as much for completely different reasons. That time he'd been the one to make the choice, to choose to not have her in his life.

He still felt betrayed at her choosing them over him but even as he tried to push her from his mind, she'd always seemed to worm her way back in. It had made him wonder if there was ever any hope for them and what it would take.

Then he received her message and those thoughts shattered. The letter had held everything he had wanted to hear from her, and everything he had prayed he'd never hear from her. He hadn't know much about her mission but when he learned from her that it was going to be a one-way trip, it crushed him. He had cursed her time and again since then for the persistent way she clung to his very soul. How one thought at losing her again could consume him and crush him anew. Everything about her still held sway over him and he hated it.

He hated the fact that it was only when reading her letter that he had realized the lengths he would have gone to work his way back to her. With her goodbye came the knowledge that he didn't want to say goodbye. He didn't want her gone from his life. She'd already left his life once and, by a freak miracle, he had been given the chance to have her again in his life. After all the times he prayed for her to return to him, he had gotten his wish and he had thrown it away. He'd screwed around until it was too late.

It still tormented him, knowing she needed him and he had rejected her. By the way she'd described what they were going into, he regretted not being there for her. She had asked him to go with her and he had refused, all because of Cerberus.

Cerberus.

Just thinking about the organization incited his anger. They were an abomination, a blight upon the human race but it was just insult to injury the fact that Shepard had been forced to ally herself with them. They had taken her away from him but, what was worse, was that they were also responsible for bringing her back to him. She was alive because of them. Once again that hatred for Cerberus mingled with his own self-hate. He knew he'd never have been able to work with Cerberus but it still ate at him he hadn't been able to help Shepard. That he hadn't been able to get over his issues with them to see, and embrace, what was right in front of him - what he'd thought he'd lost forever.

Sitting there, he glanced over to the picture he had of her on his desk. He had never been able to put it away. His eyes searched her emerald gaze as it looked blankly through the glass. The emerald of her eyes were gone now, a startling surprise he'd seen when he saw her on Horizon. He didn't know why, or how, but that embrace of evergreen, that had always reminded him of his home in Vancouver, was gone. In their place were pale, white eyes.

They should have been unnerving but set in her features, they hadn't been to him. They were her eyes, different as they were, and there was never anything that could cancel out the draw he felt when she was near. He recalled the pain he saw in them when he left her on Horizon and sighed.

"If anyone can stop them, its you, Shepard," Kaidan said to her picture, "Give 'em hell then get your ass back safe."

She'd asked him to mourn her, in her letter, but he hadn't been able to bring himself to it. There was no moving on from her, no matter the issues between them. She was "The One", his only. He also knew her. If anyone could survive a one-way suicide mission and make it back home, it was Kiara Shepard. She looked at the impossible and laughed in its face. It was one of the things he'd first fallen in love with. She was the bearer of hope when hope was thought to be dead.

No, there was no mourning. She was Shepard and he knew, deep in his heart, she would survive.

She had to.

And when she did, he would find a way to work with her through everything that had happened.


	17. Downtime? Forget It.

They had made it. Not only had the entire crew survived the attack on the Collector base but the mission had been a success and they were on their way home. Only space debris remained on the other side of the Omega 4 relay now. Yet the ultimate mission was not over. The Reapers were still on their way and Kiara Shepard was determined to do everything in her power to make sure the galaxy was ready when they got there.

It was the 'how' of how she would do it that left her stumped.

The Normandy was on route to Earth, making a few stops along the way including the Migrant Fleet for Tali and Tuchanka for Grunt. They all deserved a bit of shore leave and she was going to make sure they got it. She even approved some time off for herself, wanting to return home to visit her parents in person. She hadn't seen them in years, and that wasn't before the two she'd been dead during.

She'd learned from Anderson that her parents were both back on Earth for her father's retirement ceremony. It surprised her. She'd never thought he would ever retire but he was getting up there in age. She was glad he was finally taking the break.

It was her hope she would get to surprise them, both by returning from her mission unharmed and showing up to the ceremony. She recalled the recording she'd sent her mother before they'd entered the relay and wondered how painful it must've been to receive it. She'd be there soon, though, and her mother could chastise her in person. The thought brought a smile to her face. It'd been too long since she'd seen her mother. As soon as they dropped off the crew for their shore leave, she was going to make sure she got the chance.

Her thoughts shifted to Kaidan as she stood at the galaxy map of the CIC. She wondered if writing him again was be the best course of action. She had said her goodbyes and he hadn't responded. Maybe he had moved on and done exactly as she asked. After a few moments of thinking, she convinced herself to write a short one just to let him know she was alive. Stepping over to her console, she opened it up and began to type. Keep it short and professional, she reminded herself.

> _Subject: Mission Success_   
>  _From: Kiara Shepard_
> 
> _To: CDR Kaidan Alenko_
> 
> _It seems I was wrong. Against impossible odds, and even more impossible challenges, the mission to destroy the Collector base on the other side of the Omega 4 relay was a success with no casualties. The crew of the Normandy pulled us through and it is thanks to them our colonies are safe from the Collector threat._
> 
> _I fully intend to continue to pursue avenues to counter the Reaper threat and the invasion we know is coming. I hope that wherever you are and whatever you are doing, you will continue to help convince whoever you can that the Reaper threat is still very much a danger. We need them, Kaidan. They're coming and we won't stand a chance unless we start preparing now._
> 
> _I also hope that wherever you are, its going good for you. Maybe…I don't know…maybe after some time has passed we can try to find time to meet and discuss everything. Get some closure that doesn't come by either of our deaths._
> 
> _Stay safe,_   
>  _Kiara_

So much for keeping it short and professional but it was what it was. Sending it off, she took a breath. It felt odd, having the mission over. She never did well with downtime, especially with her ties with Cerberus severed and her insecurity of where she stood with the Alliance.

Yoeman Chambers piped up that she was receiving a secure transmission from Admiral Steven Hackett. _Speak of the devil_ , she thought. What was he doing calling her? "I'll take it in my quarters," she instructed then headed up to take the call. A sense of foreboding nestled in her stomach. She got the feeling she wasn't going to get that shore leave she'd been expecting…


	18. No Rest for the Wicked

Sure enough, shore leave was cancelled. At least for Shepard it was. As a personal favor to Admiral Hackett, another old friend of her father's, she'd received a new mission. A friend and undercover operative of the Admiral's was being held in a batarian secret prison on false terrorism charges and Hackett wanted Shepard to rescue her.

For Shepard, it was the fact the scientist Dr. Amanda Kenson had found evidence of an imminent Reaper invasion that got her attention. She knew they were coming but she'd expected them to be a ways off. Years, if they were lucky but at least a considerable number of months at the worst. Apparently, the doctor had found a Reaper device out in batarian space. Her own personal friendship with the Admiral aside, it was worth checking out on that merit alone.

As soon as the rest of her crew departed for shore leave, Kiara asked Joker to drop her off in a shuttle near the planet. He asked questions, Joker always did, but respected her silence when she gave it to him. This was a solo mission. One person. Covert in and out grab.

She hated she was going to miss the retirement ceremony for her father but she was managing to get off a message to her mom before she left.

> _Subject: Still Alive_   
>  _From: Kiara Shepard_
> 
> _To: Hannah Shepard_
> 
> _Ignore the last message I sent, or at least the part where I said it was a one-way trip. Thanks to the crew of the Normandy, we made it out of there with no casualties and the mission a success. You always said I was stubborn. Seems I attract just as stubborn of people to my teams._
> 
> _I was going to surprise you and dad by heading back to Earth for his retirement ceremony but I won't be able to make it. I've sent one of my crew, Yeoman Kelly Chambers, ahead with a bottle of dad's favorite whiskey. Tell him he better wait to crack it open until I get there, and I will be there, as soon as I can. This new mission should be quick, I hope, and once its done, I plan on taking a nice long bought of shore leave right there in Seattle with you guys._
> 
> _I could use the R &R._
> 
> _I've got to go. I love you mom and give my love to dad. I'm alive and well. If Saren, Sovereign and the Collector's couldn't do me in, this little jaunt won't touch me. Take care and I'll write when its over._
> 
> _Love,_   
>  _Kiara_

Sending the message from her console in the shuttle, she departed the Normandy and set off for the batarian prison armed to the teeth. This was going to be a tricky one but whatever information Dr. Kenson had, they needed it. Especially if her message had been right and the Reapers were on the galaxy's doorstep. 


	19. 304,942…That's the Cost

304,942.

That number haunted Shepard's every waking moment. 304,942 lives snuffed out in an effort to stop the Reaper invasion. 304,942 lives gone, in the blink of an eye…and she'd pulled the trigger with their destruction.

How many more lives, she wondered as she looked at the galaxy map, were going to be sacrificed before the end. The Reapers weren't stopped. Not by a long shot. They were just slowed down.

How much time did those 304,942 lives buy them?

Turning away, she headed to the med bay. Dr. Chakwas wanted to do an exam on her and see if her exposure to the Reaper artifact she encountered had any lasting effects. She thought she was done with visions but she'd been wrong. How hadn't she seen Dr. Kenson was indoctrinated?

The rescue attempt from the prison had been a success. It was after that when they arrived at Kenson's base that everything went to hell. Kenson and her team had managed to set up an entire plan to destroy the Alpha Relay where the Reapers were going to come through but they'd been indoctrinated before they could implement it. After a considerable fight, and a race against the clock, Shepard had managed to implement the plan but at a devastating cost: a nearby Batarian colony she hadn't had time to warn them.

It shouldn't have surprised her that Admiral Hackett had wanted to debrief her but it did surprise her when she was notified of his arrival. Granting permission to come aboard from the med bay, she waited as he docked and made his way to her. She wanted to go greet him at the airlock but Chakwas wouldn't have it. So she stayed and waited, letting the doctor run her tests.

Admiral Hackett started to debrief her and the news wasn't good. She knew there was going to be music to face with the Alliance. She also had no doubt that the batarians were going to be out for blood, which was confirmed when the Admiral spoke with her. What surprised her was the fact he not only believed her about the Reaper invasion but supported her fully. She shouldn't have been surprised, given his long history with her father, but she was. He'd always been a supporter of her claims about the Reapers.

She was informed she was going to be brought up on charges for what she'd done but she had expected and accepted it. If there had been a way to save the system, she would have but there wasn't. She would accept the consequences of her actions, whatever they would be.

Shepard stepped forward, hands behind her back as muscles conformed to the familiar, rigid stance of an Alliance soldier at attention. Cerberus had been a resource, one she had used to defeat the Collectors, but now the Collectors were destroyed. She had cut ties with Cerberus and the Illusive Man knew it. He knew it and wasn't happy about it. They were in her past and the Alliance was her future. She still held her commission, another surprise from Hackett, but she suspected that wouldn't last long.

"I'll gladly stand trial now that this mission is done," Shepard said, looking straight ahead at the Admiral. He was convinced the evidence against her was shoddy, at best, with the straight facts. He believed her actions would be proven valid and the charges dropped. He had also promised to fight for her on this and she trusted him.

"Glad to see working with Cerberus hasn't stripped away your sense of honor," Hackett said, a clear note of pride in his gaze, "Do whatever you have to do to tie up your affairs out here. But when Earth calls, you make sure you're there with your dress blues on, ready to take the hit."

She gave a single, firm nod as she held her position. "In the meantime," he continued, "you keep this. I don't need to see your report to know you did the right thing." He handed her back the data pad, which she took. The way he looked at her gave her strength and faith in the decision that haunted her. She had done the right thing, and though she would face the consequences for it, she would do so with her head held high. She was an Alliance officer.

"Yes, Sir," she said and saluted him.

"You've done a hell of a thing, Commander," Hackett said with no small hint of admiration then he turned and departed.

Shepard remained there for a long time thinking over what happened and what was to come. She would turn herself in and pray the process went quickly.

The Reapers were still coming and she needed to stop them. She couldn't do that from inside a jail cell.


	20. Breaking News

"Breaking News: Kiara Shepard, the Hero of the Battle of the Citadel, has returned home to Earth disgraced. This footage was taken earlier this afternoon when she turned herself in the Alliance Detention Center in Vancouver following charges of terrorism that have been levied against her in response to the destruction of the batarian system of Bahak. Sources report that she has been stripped of her rank of Commander and her ship, the SSV Normandy SR-2, has been impounded by Alliance authorities. We're with Alliance Command's spokeswoman now on the details surrounding these events…"

Kaidan watched the vid with confusion and disbelief. He'd never thought he would have ever seen Shepard, dressed head to toe in her dress blues, being escorted into the Alliance Command's Detention Facility. He noticed both Admiral Steven Hackett and Admiral David Anderson standing in support of her.

Confusion ran rampant through him. _What the hell happened?_ He'd heard about the system being destroyed, everyone had. Over three hundred thousand batarians were killed when an asteroid collided with the Mass Relay of the system. He hadn't known Shepard had been a part of it, though. He'd only just received the previous week a letter from her stating she had made it home from the Omega 4 relay mission.

He had been more relieved than he admitted at her letter. He couldn't think about what that could have meant for them though. Not when she was being held at the Detention Center. Wasting no time, Kaidan put in a call to Anderson's office. He was going to find out what the hell was going on.

Kiara had thrown him for a number of loops lately, and he couldn't be sure of her loyalties or what the hell she was doing with Cerberus, but he knew her. There was no way, unless there was no other choice, the Shepard he knew and loved, would have sacrificed so many lives.

At least, he thought he knew her.

Maybe Cerberus had changed her more than he thought…

 

* * *

 

Thankfully, it didn't take long for the scandal of 'disgraced Commander Shepard' to simmer down, at least among Alliance Command. Kaidan had learned what had happened and why she was being brought up on charges as he learned more of the facts. He didn't blame her for the decision she made with the Alpha Relay. He would have made the same if he'd been in that position.

While there were still a lot more formalities to pursue and races, particularly the batarians, to appease, it was looking more likely that she would be found not guilty and the charges dropped. She was still being held but it more a formality and a form of protection to keep the batarian's from getting their hands on her.

The fact what happened had proved the Reapers were really coming and she was the only person in the galaxy with the most experience dealing with them. It helped in her favor. Anyone who had experience with the Reapers was being brought in and debriefed thoroughly. He was glad they were taking the threat serious but he still wasn't sure they were going to be fast enough.

At least Shepard was there to give her expertise. He was glad she was. Try as he might to have moved on and gotten closure, he hadn't been able to. There was no 'moving on' past Shepard. She was the woman he loved and there would never be anyone more perfect for him than her. He wondered if at some point they could figured things out and fight to make something work between them again, if she put Cerberus behind her.

For everything that had happened and everything he still felt for her, that was the one element he didn't think he'd ever be able to get past. It was a roadblock from hell whenever he entertained the notion of maybe trying to make things work with her. He didn't want to give up on her again but her ties with Cerberus had changed a lot of things.

They had seen, together, the horrors that Cerberus facilities were willing to inflict to get their end result. They'd even discovered they'd been the one's who released the thresher maws on Akuze. How she could work for them after knowing all that sickened him. Maybe whatever happened to her when she had "died" had changed her. Maybe Cerberus had just put her back together how they wanted her, a trophy pet and tool for their ends.

He sighed. She had seemed like herself on Horizon and she sounded like the Kiara he had gotten to know and fought beside in her letters. He still wondered if he was being too harsh, but a part of him couldn't trust her anymore. Not after working for Cerberus, whatever her reasoning was.

A chilling though sank into him. As much as he wanted everything to be okay, for them to be able to move on, how could he even think of trying to make them work if he couldn't trust her?

He realized he couldn't and that hurt more than when he'd thought she'd died.


	21. Note From The Author

**Did you enjoy this story?**

Then check out the other amazing words in the  **[Eternity Series](http://archiveofourown.org/series/791619)**!

  

> **[A Glimpse of Eternity](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11708280) **   
>  _A collection of short stories following the evolution of Commander Kiara Shepard and Kaidan Alenko's relationship while hunting Saren and trying to stop Sovereign from heralding in the age of the Reapers. A Glimpse of Eternity is set during the events of ME1 and there are gameplay spoilers. M/F, FemShep x Kaidan Alenko. Rated M for later chapter content._
> 
> **[Eternity's Struggle](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11727165)**   **-** _what you just read_  
>  _Eternity’s Struggle, the Sequel to[A Glimpse of Eternity](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11708280), is a compilation of short stories, letters and life-snapshots that are sprinkled throughout the events of Mass Effect 2 following both Commander Kiara Shepard and Kaidan Alenko as well as, in later chapters, some interactions between Shepard and Thane Krios. There are gameplay spoilers. M/F, Shepard x Kaidan, Shepard x Thane. Rated M for later chapter content._
> 
> **[Eternity Embraced](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11757357)   
>  ** _Eternity Embraced, the sequel to[Eternity's Struggle](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11708280%3EA%20Glimpse%20of%20Eternity%3C/a%3E%20and%20%3Ca%20href=), follows the tumultuous relationship of Commander Kiara Shepard and Kaidan Alenko as they wage war against the Reapers that have invaded the galaxy battling loss, love, hope, despair and chaos. Sequel to Eternity's Struggle. There are gameplay spoilers. M/F, Shepard x Kaidan. Rated Explicit for content in later chapters._

* * *

 

**Note From The Author**

_I want to thank everyone who takes the time to read through this. This is my first ever publicly published work and I am really excited about it._   _I love constructive feedback so please comment or get a hold of me if you have anything you'd like to share!_

_These are the fan fictions I've wrote about Commander Shepard (female) and Kaidan Alenko in the Mass Effect Universe. The writing follows their journey from Mass Effect 1 through Mass Effect 3, including fan fictions covering the time between ME1 to ME2 and ME2 to ME3. Given the gameplay of the Mass Effect series is so extensive, I decided to just write on the interactions between Kaidan Alenko and Commander Shepard instead of write the whole of their journey through the game series. A lot of this writing expands on the story that Bioware created for Shepard and Alenko's romance, adding in their personal thoughts, feelings and even altering or supplementing interactions to give a more rounded out and whole story, including adding new interactions and material to give more character depth._

_I hope you enjoy. A lot of time, effort and tears have gone into these stories. I love Kaidan Alenko and his romance with Commander Shepard. I hope I have done the character’s justice._

_[A Glimpse of Eternity](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11708280) and [Eternity's Struggle](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11727165) are both rated M for Mature due to non-explicit adult content in the later chapters of them both. [Eternity Embraced](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11757357), however, is rated Explicit due to more detailed descriptions of intimate sexual encounters later on in the chapters. _

_I own only the individual personality of Commander Kiara Shepard that I have developed inspired by the Commander Shepard in the gameplay. I do not own, nor hold any rights, to any of the characters, dialogue, storylines or any part in or of the "Mass Effect" game series. I want to thank Drew Karpyshyn and his staff of amazing writers, animators and voice actors. These are for fan enjoyment only and no money had been made on these stories._


End file.
